


The Pawn

by RedQ



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Because the Remnant Truly IS Barry!, Gen, How Savitar Must Have Felt, Saddest Villian Origin Story Ever, Still Barry-Centric, Surviving Time Remnant, Time Remnant's POV, WARNING: mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10879872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedQ/pseuds/RedQ
Summary: “The time remnant didn’t die, Barry,” Caitlin said softly, “He survived.”Barry’s eyes widened in shock.“He didn’t die?” he asked seriously, “He’s still alive?!”Caitlin nodded sadly.“Where is he?!” Barry asked immediately, “Is he here, or…?”“Barry,” Caitlin choked, “You’re…you’re the time remnant.”(A fic to explore how a time remnant thinks and feels. How would Barry feel if someone suddenly told him HE was a time remnant? My tribute to Savitar and his untold story.)





	1. He Was Supposed to Die

 [](https://imgflip.com/gif/22mdwv)

* * *

**Important: This story will be about the time remnant that was sacrificed in season 2, but it will serve as an alternate Savitar origin story. Really, it will closely mirror what Savitar went through. Just the timing and circumstances are different. Savitar has the saddest backstory of any character that’s ever been on the Flash and really, any character I’ve ever seen on TV. His entire existence is tragic, and what’s most upsetting to me is that other people don’t entirely see that. They only see the villain. Hopefully, this story will help people see Savitar better, beneath the suit and the burns.**

**I’m strict about writing only Barry-centric stories, and this story still falls in that category. Savitar is Barry, and that’s what this story is going to emphasize.**

**We only get to see things through “original” Barry’s point of view in the show. This is the time remnant’s story.**

* * *

  **He Was Supposed to Die**

* * *

Barry knew he was going to die. He knew he was giving up everything to save the multiverse.

And that was fine.

He accepted his fate willingly. That’s why he had done this in the first place. He had created this version of himself for this purpose. What he hadn’t realized, though, was how much this would suck for _him_. For the time remnant. He had always thought of time remnants as these disposable things—as pawns to be used and sacrificed whenever the game called for it—but now that he _was_ one, he felt very differently about it.

He still felt like him. He still felt like Barry. He thought being a time remnant would feel different—would feel artificial. It didn’t. He still had all his memories. He still thought and _felt_. He didn’t feel like just a pawn. He was Barry.

But he wasn’t.

Real Barry—the original Barry—was currently fighting Zoom. He was just supposed to charge up the secondary coil of the magnetar so that it was out of sync. He was supposed to die. It was what he had planned for—what he had been expecting.

What he _hadn’t_ been expecting, though, was to feel _sad_ about it. He felt sad to be leaving his loved ones behind. That was why he was doing this, though. He was doing this for them. And he wasn’t truly leaving them. They still would have original Barry with them. They wouldn’t even mourn him. They wouldn’t even have a funeral for him. There would be no body to bury.

For some reason, this brought tears to Barry’s eyes as he ran. They wouldn’t mourn him. His friends and family would barely pay him a second thought once he was gone. His original self wouldn’t care because he didn’t _know_. He didn’t know what it felt like to be just a time remnant. He would probably go on to make more. He would readily sacrifice more remnants like him whenever he needed it. Barry wished he could talk to his original self one last time. He wished he had a moment to tell him to never do this again—to never make another time remnant again—but he couldn’t. There wasn’t time.

Barry was out of time. He was about to die. He didn’t stop running, though. He ran until he felt the energy consuming him. He felt like he was going to burn up, to shrivel into nothingness and blow away in the wind. He could feel his skin burning. He was on fire. The sheer pain of it was overwhelming. He had run this fast before, of course, but he had never willingly allowed this much energy to escape his body all at once. He had always instinctively contained it, as if he knew it would kill him. Barry fought against his instincts now, though, and allowed the energy to be released—allowed it to consume him.

He heard a loud blast then. The coil was fully charged. It created its own beam of energy waves, which in turn, caused the magnetar to fall out of sync. There was another loud blast as the magnetar’s energy collapsed in on itself, the entire machine short circuiting.

And then silence.

Barry was dead. Everything went black and silent. The pain didn’t stop, though. He had thought the pain would stop when he died, but his skin still felt like it was on fire. His nerves were bare and exposed, unfathomable pain signals being sent to his brain in sharp, fast waves of misery. Oh, God. Why hadn’t the pain stopped?

Through the darkness, Barry could hear screams. Zoom’s screams. He could hear shouts in the distance, the voices muffled as if he were underwater. He didn’t know how much time passed while he laid there in pain, but after what felt like an eternity, he suddenly heard the voices grow louder.

And clearer.

“Oh my God,” a female voice said, and he quickly recognized it to be Iris, “The time remnant.”

“He was supposed to die,” Barry heard his own voice say.

His heart clenched at these words. He was still alive. He was supposed to die, but he hadn’t.

 _Sorry to disappoint you_ , he found himself thinking bitterly.

“He’s still alive,” he heard Caitlin’s voice say, “His pulse is weak, but it’s there.”

“So what now?” Joe asked seriously, “What do we do with him?”

If he were fully conscious, Barry would probably start crying right now. How could Joe say that about him? He was _Barry_! He was his son!

“I don’t know,” Original Barry said quietly, “I…he wasn’t supposed to survive. I don’t know what to do now.”

“He’s just a time remnant, right?” Cisco said, “I mean, it’s not like he’s really _you_.”

 _Yes, I am!_ Barry wanted to scream, _I’m still Barry!_

“It’s still Barry, though,” Iris said softly, and Barry felt his heart warm at her words, “What are we supposed to do? Just let him die?!”

“It might be better that way,” Original Barry said thoughtfully, “I don’t know what he’s going to be now. He’s just a copy of me. I didn’t mean for him to live, and with those burns…maybe we should just…”

“Just what?” Joe asked seriously, “Just put him out of his misery?! Barry, we can’t do that. He’s still you!”

“I guess,” Original Barry whispered, “But he’s not _truly_ me. I— _he_ was willing to make this sacrifice. That was how it was supposed to be.”

Barry couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could he be so cold?! Then again, if it were yesterday, he probably would have thought the same way about it. He probably would have disposed of him, too. But that was before he knew what he now knew. That was before he knew what it felt like to be a time remnant.

“Well, I can’t just put him down like a dog,” Iris said firmly, “I think we should save him.”

“I think you’re right,” Caitlin said slowly, “Ultimately, it should be _his_ decision if he wants to continue to exist or not.”

Of course he wanted to exist! He wasn’t suicidal. He never _had_ been! He was willing to sacrifice himself for the multiverse, of course, but now that everything was over and he was still breathing, he wanted to _keep_ breathing. He wanted to _live._ Barry loved his life and didn’t want it to end just like that.

“Okay,” Harry said, “We’ll take him back to STAR Labs. Get him patched up.”

Barry felt hands grabbing him then. The pain increased tremendously as his body was jostled by their movements. Eventually, the pain increased to the point where it was unbearable, and Barry finally allowed himself to slip into unconsciousness. Everything went black and silent.


	2. Barry, You're the Time Remnant

Barry woke to a quiet beeping sound. It was steady and rhythmic, almost like music. His eyes slowly cracked open and were met with blinding light. He had gone through this before—had woken up in this exact way—and it didn’t take him long this time to realize he was in the med bay at STAR Labs. What he didn’t realize right away, was why he was here. Had he been fighting a metahuman? Had he faced off with Zoom? What the hell had happened?!

As Barry tried to sit up, he suddenly felt unbearable pain all over one half of his body. He looked down and realized he was shirtless and covered in bandages. Well, more like gauze.

 _Burn wounds then_ , he thought to himself.

How had he gotten them, though? Had he tried to stop a fire and accidentally gotten caught in the flames? Had he been caught off guard by some kind of explosion? It didn’t really matter, though. The burns would heal themselves within a few hours.

It was then Barry realized only one of his eyes was open. The other one was covered by gauze, like the rest of his body. It hurt like hell. His entire _body_ hurt like hell. Whatever had happened, it must have caused some serious trauma. He wondered if he was blind in his right eye now. He had been blind before, though, and he had recovered from it. He would most likely recover just fine from it now.

What confused Barry most was the fact that no one else was in the room. As he looked around the med bay with his good eye, he didn’t see anyone else there. It confused him. Where was everyone? Surely, they would have sat down with him while he healed. At the very least, Caitlin would be there, monitoring his vitals obsessively. As if she had read his mind, Caitlin suddenly walked into the room then. Her eyes widened when she saw him laying there, staring back at her.

“You’re awake,” she said in surprise.

“I am,” Barry laughed, “And I’m just a little confused. What happened?”

Caitlin gave him an uneasy look and bit her lip.

“You don’t remember?” she asked nervously.

Barry shook his head.

“I must have hit my head or something,” he said, “Must have been some accident.”

Barry didn’t understand why Caitlin was giving him such a strange look. She was looking at him with a fascinated and even somewhat _fearful_ expression.

“What?” he asked her, “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing,” she said, moving closer to the bed, “I just wasn’t expecting you to be so…”

“So what?” Barry asked, frowning at her in confusion.

“Never mind,” she whispered, a hint of sadness in her voice, “I’m glad you’re alright, Barry.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked again, “What happened? Did something horrible happen? Is anyone else hurt?!”

Barry thought of his dad, who had died less than a week ago. What if Zoom had killed someone else now? It all came rushing back to him then—Zoom’s threat. His deal.

“Did I race Zoom?” he asked quickly before Caitlin could answer, “Did we get Joe back?!”

Caitlin nodded slowly, her expression still sad.

“We did,” she said quietly, “You raced Zoom, and you won. Zoom was pulled into the speed force by time wraiths.”

Barry let out a breath of relief, and his face broke out in a grin that hurt the injured half of his face. The grin quickly slid from his face then.

“Is everyone okay?” he asked worriedly, “Did anyone besides me get hurt?!”

“Everyone else is fine,” Caitlin assured him.

“Thank God,” Barry sighed, “You scared me for a minute there. This is great! As soon as I’m healed, we all have to go out to celebrate!”

Caitlin gave him a sad smile.

“It might take a while,” she said gently, “Your injuries, they were…extensive.”

Barry frowned at her.

“What do you mean?” he asked, “How did I get injured?”

Caitlin let out a heavy sigh.

“You had to run around the secondary coil of the magnetar to destroy it,” she explained, “You unleashed a lot of speed force energy from your body at once— _too much_ energy. It’s what caused the burns.”

“But they’ll heal, right?” Barry asked, “The burns should heal like everything else.”

Caitlin shook her head sadly at him.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, “I thought that at first, too, but…they’re not healing fast. They’re healing at the rate a normal person’s burns would. I think it’s because they were caused by the speed force and not by normal fire. Your body isn’t equipped to heal this kind of damage.”

“So…” Barry whispered, a lump in his throat, “They’ll scar?”

Caitlin nodded sadly, tears in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Barry,” she choked.

Barry looked down at his lap, at the bandaged hand that was resting on his thigh.

“It’s okay,” he said softly, a lump in his throat, “I mean, it sucks, but it could be worse, right? I could be _dead_. And at least Zoom is gone and everyone is okay.”

Caitlin nodded and wiped a tear from her face.

“Where is everyone?” Barry asked then, feeling a little hurt that Caitlin was the only one at his bedside, “Are they here?”

Caitlin took a deep breath and shook her head.

“They’re at home,” she said quietly.

Barry frowned at her.

“Oh,” he said softly, “Okay.”

He didn’t want to sound selfish by asking why they weren’t there with him, but he couldn’t help but wonder why that was. He couldn’t help but feel a little hurt by it.

“Barry,” Caitlin said, tears in her eyes, “There’s something I have to tell you…about how you defeated Zoom.”

Barry stared at her, his mind going a mile a minute. Oh, God. What had he done?! Had he done something horrible to defeat him? Had he turned into a monster, himself, and his family had witnessed the whole thing? Was that why they weren’t here with him? Because they were _afraid_ of him?

“What did I do, Caitlin?” Barry whispered, his mouth dry.

Caitlin’s eyes were filled with tears as she answered him.

“You created a time remnant,” she said quietly.

Barry frowned in confusion. He remembered now. He remembered having the idea to create a time remnant in case he needed to sacrifice one to defeat Zoom. It had only been an idea, though. Barry hadn’t known for sure if he would need one, and if he did, he had planned for the time remnant to die.

“Did they see it?” Barry asked quietly, “Did my family have to watch the time remnant die?”

Barry knew that that would be the downside of his plan. His family would have to watch a version of him die. He would explain it later to them, though—that it wasn’t really him and that he was still alive. He had clearly gotten hurt in the fight, though, so he had never gotten the chance to reassure them.

“The time remnant didn’t die, Barry,” Caitlin said softly, “He survived.”

Barry’s eyes widened in shock.

“He didn’t die?” he asked seriously, “He’s still alive?!”

Caitlin nodded sadly.

“Where is he?!” Barry asked immediately, “Is he here, or…?”

“Barry,” Caitlin choked, “You’re…you’re the time remnant.”

Barry froze in shock. He hadn’t heard her right. He _couldn’t_ have heard her right.

“What?” he whispered, “But I…I can’t be a time remnant.”

Caitlin nodded and wiped her eyes.

“You are,” she said softly, “That’s how you got your burns. You were supposed to use your speed force energy to charge up the secondary coil. It was supposed to kill you, but…it didn’t. All it did was give you these burns, and…you survived.”

Barry shook his head, tears forming in his eyes.

“That…that can’t be true,” he stammered, “I can’t be a time remnant. I’m _Barry_. I still feel like Barry!”

“You are,” she said, “You _are_ Barry…just not the _original_ Barry.”

Barry stared at her in shock. This couldn’t be true. It had to be a dream. No, it had to be a _nightmare_! He wasn’t a time remnant! He was Barry! He was _the_ Barry, not just a copy. He was a person.

“I know this is a lot to take in,” Caitlin said quietly, resting a hand on his knee, “Obviously, we didn’t expect this to happen. Barry didn’t intend for you to—”

“ _I’m_ Barry,” Barry said angrily, “ _I’m_ Barry, Caitlin!”

“I know you are,” she said quickly, “I’m sorry, Barry. I know you are, too. You’re _both_ Barry.”

Barry nodded and wiped his eyes.

“I can’t believe this,” he choked, “I can’t believe I’m a…a t-time remnant.”

Caitlin gave him a sympathetic look, her eyes still wet.

“I don’t feel like one,” he said, his voice cracking, “I feel…I feel like Barry. I _am_ Barry. I didn’t think it would feel this way, being a time remnant. I didn’t think I would feel this…real.”

“You _are_ real,” Caitlin assured him, “You _are_ a person, Barry. We know that. We know that you’re real.”

“Then why isn’t everyone else here?” Barry choked, “Why are they not here with me?”

Caitlin stared at him, at a loss for words.

“Things have been…complicated,” she said, “You’ve been out for days, and since Barry defeated Zoom, he’s been…not as happy as we thought he would be. He’s still grieving his dad. He’s been quiet lately, and…everyone has just been preoccupied with being there for him. They haven’t had much time to come here.”

“I lost my dad, too,” Barry choked, “I’m grieving, too, and I’m hurt. But they decided to stay home with the other Barry?!”

Caitlin shook her head, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“I know you’re hurting, Barry,” she said shakily, “I know how hard this must be for you, but—”

“No, you don’t,” Barry said angrily, “Caitlin, you don’t know how this feels. How can you possibly understand? What if I suddenly told _you_ that _you_ were just a copy of yourself, just a shadow of a person? How would that make _you_ feel?!”

Caitlin opened and closed her mouth a few times, lost for words.

“I don’t know, Barry,” she finally said, “You’re right. I don’t know how that would feel.”

Having her agree with him didn’t make him feel any better, though. Barry couldn’t help it then. He broke down into sobs. He buried his face in his hands and just cried.

“C-could you c-call them?” he sobbed, “Could y-you ask them to c-come here?”

Caitlin rested a hand on Barry’s good shoulder.

“Of course,” she said softly.

* * *

Iris was going to try making one of Barry’s favorites for dinner tonight. He had hardly come out of his room all day. Really, for the last _three_ days, since he had defeated Zoom, he had barely come out of his room. Iris thought she understood why. Zoom was gone. He was vanquished. Barry now had nothing to distract him from his grief, nothing to drive him. He was trying to cope with everything, trying to move on and seem like he was fine.

But he wasn’t fine.

He was broken.

He had confessed to her a few nights ago that he had been tempted to go back in time to save his parents. After talking it out with her, though, he painfully made the decision not to, which had her very relieved. Barry was bitter about the decision, though, and he wasn’t talking much now.

Iris didn’t live here anymore, but now it almost felt like it. She had slept over two of the last three nights, and she was doing everything she could to help out around the house while Barry grieved.

“You know you don’t have to cook for us every night, right?” her father said.

“I know,” Iris sighed, “I just thought I’d make lasagna tonight.”

“You’ve been making all of Barry’s favorites lately,” he said knowingly, “I really appreciate all that you’re trying to do for him.”

“I love him,” Iris said simply, “I’m going to do everything I can to be there for him while he grieves. He may not be ready to be with me right now, but he still needs me in his life.”

“Barry will always need you in his life,” Joe said surely, “If there’s one thing I know about Barry, it’s that family is everything to him. He needs _all_ of us in his life.”

Before Iris could say anything, her cell phone started to vibrate in her pocket. She quickly pulled it out to look at it.

“It’s Caitlin,” she told her dad before answering the phone, “Hello?”

“Iris,” Caitlin said urgently, “I need you guys to come to STAR Labs right away. Barry just woke up.”

“Wha—oh,” she said, “That Barry.”

“He really needs you guys right now,” Caitlin said seriously, “He’s extremely upset.”

“But our Barry, he’s—”

“This Barry is your Barry, too,” Caitlin said seriously, “And he needs you. I know the Barry you have at your house right now isn’t doing very great lately, but this Barry is doing _worse_. You need to be here for him.”

“Yes,” Iris said, “Yes, of course. We’ll…we’ll be right there.”

* * *

Barry felt like he was on the verge of a panic attack. He wasn’t crying anymore, but he felt like he was right on the edge of a panic attack. It still didn’t feel real.

He was a time remnant.

He hoped his family would be able to understand the situation he was in. He hoped they still saw him as _him_ and not just a copy.

When Joe and Iris walked through the door of the med bay, Barry nearly burst into tears at the sight of them.

“Barry,” Iris said, rushing over to the bed.

She quickly took his hand and squeezed it. Barry squeezed hers in return.

“I’m so happy to see you,” Barry choked, tears in his eyes.

Iris gave him a strange look at these words, as if surprised by his reaction, surprised that he’d be happy to see her.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” she said softly, looking at the bandages covering half of his face.

“I wouldn’t quite say ‘alright,’” he said quietly, “Finding out I’m a time remnant…it’s a lot to process.”

“You didn’t remember?” Joe asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

Barry shook his head.

“I mean, I remember _thinking_ about possibly creating a time remnant to stop Zoom,” he said, “But I don’t remember ever creating one. I don’t remember the fight…any of it. Caitlin said I had a concussion.”

“You must be so confused,” Iris said sadly, “Barry didn’t intend for this to happen.”

Barry still couldn’t get used to it, the way they talked about “Barry,” as if he were the only Barry that existed.

“I know he didn’t,” Barry said quietly, “I remember. I know what my intentions were when I created…myself. I didn’t intend for me to live.”

“We thought you deserved a chance to make that decision,” Joe said gently, resting a hand on Barry’s leg.

Barry frowned at him.

“What do you mean?” he asked, “What decision?”

Joe and Iris both looked awkwardly at each other, and Barry understood then.

“You mean the decision to live,” he whispered, “You wanted me to decide whether or not I would live.”

“It’s completely up to you,” Iris said painfully, “We understand if you want to live, and if you want to…”

“To die?” Barry asked, his head spinning, “You want me to decide if I should what? Be _euthanized_?!”

How could they even suggest something like that?! He was Barry! He was their _family_!

But he wasn’t. To them, he was just a copy. He was just a remnant who was supposed to die.

“I still feel like Barry,” he whispered to them, tears in his eyes, “I still think. Feel. _Love_.”

They both stared at him, at a loss for words.

“To me, just a few _weeks_ ago, you were telling me you loved me, Iris,” he choked, “I still remember every single moment I ever had with you— _both_ of you. I love you. I…I don’t want to die.”

“We understand, Bar,” Joe said quickly, “That’s completely understandable to us. We just wanted to give you the option.”

Barry shook his head and wiped his eyes. They didn’t understand. They didn’t understand any of it. He _was_ Barry. He wasn’t just some disposable clone that they could just throw away. He needed them just as much as the original Barry did.

“I’m sorry,” Barry sighed, “I’m so sorry. I know it’s selfish…wanting to stick around. I know I’m just another Barry for you guys to worry about and take care of, but to me, it feels…”

“It feels like you’re the original,” Joe said sadly.

Barry nodded and had to choke back a sob.

“I don’t feel like a copy,” he choked, “I feel like _I’m_ Barry, and the one that you know… _he’s_ the copy.”

“You’re _both_ Barry,” Iris said softly, “Neither of you has to be a ‘copy.’ You can both be Barry. Your existence is just as valid as his. It’s not selfish to want to _live_ , Barry.”

“Thank you,” Barry whispered.

* * *

“He wants to _live_?!” Original Barry asked, his eyebrows furrowing.

“He does,” Joe told him sadly, “He’s _you_ , Barry. He just wants a chance to have a life.”

Barry sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“This is a mess,” he groaned, “I’m so sorry about all this, guys. I didn’t intend for this to happen.”

“We know you didn’t,” Iris said, “You were just trying to stop Zoom, and you did.”

“Yeah, but now I’ve created this time remnant, and I have no idea what to _do_ with him,” Barry said in frustration, “I didn’t even think of the possibility of this happening, and if I had…I would have found a different way to defeat Zoom.”

“You regret creating him?” Joe asked quietly.

“Of course I do,” Barry said seriously, “I accidentally created this whole other person. Now we have _two_ of me. What the hell are we supposed to do with that?”

“I don’t see any problem with him living,” Iris said with a shrug, “Why is this even a problem?”

“I don’t know,” Barry said in a strained voice, “It’s _weird_! What are we supposed to do? Just live with two Barry’s now?! Where is he going to live? What is he going to do for a living? He can’t just work at the CCPD, especially since his face is going to be all scarred up once we take the bandages off.”

“So he should just die then?” Joe asked incredulously.

“That’s what was supposed to happen,” Barry said with a shrug, “I intended for that version of me to die. I was ready to make that sacrifice. Really, I don’t understand it. I thought he would make the same decision _I_ would have. He’s _me_ after all.”

“Would you really make the same decision?” Iris asked softly, “ _Think_ about it, Barry. It’s one thing to be willing to sacrifice a copy of yourself, but what if _you_ were the copy? Would you feel the same way about it then?”

“Of course,” Barry said firmly, “I would sacrifice myself to save my loved ones without a second thought.”

“But the circumstances have changed, Bar,” Joe said gently, “This Barry _was_ willing to sacrifice himself. He _did_ attempt to sacrifice himself…but then he survived. Asking him to die now…it isn’t a sacrifice anymore. It’s just needless suicide. We’re talking about asking a man to willingly kill himself simply because his existence is _inconvenient_ for us. You can’t tell me that if you were the time remnant, you would want to go along with that.”

Barry sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“I guess I see what you’re saying,” he sighed, “I just…I wish this wasn’t happening. It would have been so much easier if he had just died. We would have been able to move on and not think about it again.”

“Well, he _didn’t_ die,” Iris said firmly, “And we have to deal with this now. Just because he was a mistake, it doesn’t mean we should just _shun_ him. He’s still you, Barry.”

“So what’s the plan then?” Barry asked seriously, “What do we do with him, now that he wants to live?”

“I don’t know,” Joe said, “We could always get him an apartment in the city. He can’t really support himself right now, but we could help support him until his feet find the ground.”

“I’ll support him,” Barry sighed, “This is _my_ problem to deal with. I don’t expect you to financially support a copy of me I accidentally made. I can get him an apartment.”

“We can _all_ help, Bar,” Joe said seriously, “You don’t have to bankrupt yourself to support your time remnant.”

“He’s _my_ time remnant, though,” Barry said firmly, “This is my mistake. I don’t expect you to pay for it.”

“He’s not a mistake,” Iris said, “He’s _you_. And he needs more than just financial support. He needs emotional support, too, Barry.”

Barry groaned.

“This is such a mess,” he said again, “I feel like I’ve just created another burden for you guys. As if one broken version of me wasn’t enough, you now have _two_ to take care of. I’m so sorry.”

“We also have two of you to _love_ now, Barry,” Joe said softly, “In my opinion, this world can never have enough Barry Allen’s. Although, we’ll probably have to change his name. It’s one thing to have a doppelganger walking around this city, but you both probably can’t have the same identity.”

“I’ll call Felicity,” Barry said, “She can get him a new identity.”

* * *

 


	3. Charity Case

**I struggled to find the right way to write this without it being confusing. I have two Barry’s to work with, so it was hard to write it so you know which one is which. For the sake of this story, “Barry” is referring to the time remnant, and “Original Barry” or “O-Barry” is referring to the real Barry. I know it’s super annoying to read, but it was the best I could come up with. Hopefully it doesn’t bother you guys too much.**

* * *

**Charity Case**

* * *

Barry winced and clenched his hands into fists as Caitlin slowly peeled off the bandages. It was agonizing! The skin wasn’t healed over yet. It was still open and raw, his nerve endings still exposed to the open air.

“How long until it heals?” Barry gritted, as Caitlin peeled away the bandages from his arm.

“Burns take a long time to heal,” she said sadly, wincing in sympathy when Barry hissed in pain.

“That does _not_ look pretty,” Cisco said as he watched.

Caitlin shot a glare at him.

“I didn’t mean _him_ ,” Cisco said defensively, “I just meant it looks like it hurts. Barry, you look fine, man.”

“I’m going to remove the ones on your face now,” Caitlin whispered.

Barry nodded and gritted his teeth. Caitlin took a deep breath before slowly peeling off the bandage.

“Ah,” Barry gasped.

It hurt like hell, especially when she peeled away the bandage covering his eye. The tissue around his damaged eye was particularly raw and sensitive.

“Don’t try to open your eye just yet,” Caitlin said softly as she removed the rest of the gauze, “You could do more damage.”

Barry nodded and gritted his teeth as she peeled away the gauze that went down his neck. He glanced over at Cisco, who was staring at him with wide eyes, his skin now a couple shades paler than it usually was.

“Is it bad?” Barry asked worriedly, “How bad is it?”

“No,” Cisco said breathlessly, “It’s not that bad, man. You look…fine.”

“Let me see a mirror,” Barry said immediately, “Get me a mirror right now.”

“Barry,” Caitlin said softly, “That’s probably not the best idea just yet.”

“Get me a mirror!” Barry shouted angrily.

Cisco and Caitlin both jumped and then looked at each other. After a moment, Caitlin nodded sadly at Cisco, and he quickly left the room to get a mirror for Barry. When he returned, holding a small hand mirror, he held it out hesitantly to him. Barry quickly snatched it and held it up. He couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped his lips when he saw his reflection.

Half of his face was _gone_. The skin was raw and pink. His eye was swollen shut, and his right eyebrow was completely burned away. He was a gory and miserable sight.

He was a monster.

“Oh my God,” Barry choked, his good eye filling with tears, “My face…”

“It’s okay, Barry,” Caitlin whispered, “It…it’s still healing yet. It’ll look better once it’s healed.”

“How can _this_ get better?!” he said incredulously, “I look like a monster, Caitlin!”

“It’s really not that bad,” Cisco said, “It could be worse. It could be your _entire_ face.”

That didn’t make Barry feel any better, though. He just felt worse. He had thought he was okay with this, had thought a few scars would be a small price to pay for defeating Zoom, but now…

He was a time remnant. He already had that working against him. He already felt like _less_ , and now this…his family would never see him as Barry. He was always just going to be the broken copy of Barry. The crippled time remnant. Mentally, he was the same Barry they knew and loved, but how could Barry possibly convince them he was the same person when he looked like _this_?!

They were going to reject him.

It was probably the worst possible time for Joe, Iris, and Wally to come walking into the room. When they walked in, Barry had an intense urge to hide his face from them. He didn’t want them to see it. He was so preoccupied with worrying about his new appearance, he hadn’t realized that a fourth person had walked into the room with them.

The other Barry.

The _original_ Barry, he had to mentally correct himself. _He_ was the other Barry, not the man who just walked into the room.

The four of them just stared at him in shock. Joe and Iris at least had the decency to control their facial expressions after a moment, but Wally and Original Barry continued to stare in shock. Thankfully, Joe broke the silence.

“How long until he’s fully healed?” he asked Caitlin in a strained voice.

“It will never fully heal,” Caitlin said sadly, “But the wounds should close up within a few weeks. If we keep it covered and with proper wound care, we can try to keep the scarring to a minimum.”

Barry couldn’t help but turn his head to the side, hiding most of the damage from them, as he addressed Caitlin.

“How long do I have to stay here?” he asked, “Am I okay to leave?”

Caitlin nodded.

“You should be okay to leave today,” she said, “You can walk and function just fine. Your skin just needs time to heal.”

Barry let out a sigh of relief. He looked at his family then, the damaged side of his face still slightly turned away from them.

“We have an apartment set up for you,” Joe told him, smiling warmly at him, “It’s in a nice area of the city, and it’s a decent size.”

The air stopped going into Barry’s lungs then. He felt like he had been punched in the gut.

“I’m not going home?” he asked, his voice breaking, “I’m not going home with you?”

The smile slid from Joe’s face then.

“Oh,” he said quietly, “I…I didn’t think you’d…”

“You didn’t think I’d want to go home?” Barry asked, his eyes watering, “Why wouldn’t I? I live there.”

“ _I_ live there,” Original Barry said gently, “I know that for you, it feels like you do, but…”

Barry looked down at his lap, taking a deep breath. They wanted him to move out. No. He would have had to have been _living_ there in order to move out. He wasn’t truly living there now, even if he remembered it.

He remembered growing up there.

“If you want,” Joe said awkwardly, “You can come home with us. You can stay in the guest room.”

Original Barry and Wally both gave Joe strange looks, but neither of them said anything.

“I…” Barry choked, “I don’t want to be a burden on you guys. I just…I wanted to be with my family.”

They all looked sadly at him when he said this. Had they really not expected as much from him? Had they really thought he would want to just move out? To leave? How was he supposed to do that? A few weeks ago, he had been living with them, had been spending _time_ with them. A few weeks ago, they had loved him and fully accepted him, but now that he was a time remnant, they expected him to just go off and live his own life? Forget his family and everything he knew?

“Of course you would want that,” Iris said kindly, “We want that, too, Barry. We would be happy to have you there.”

Barry had to fight back the tears in his eyes. Iris seemed like she was just trying to placate him, like she just didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“I...I want to go home,” he choked, “I want to be in your life.”

“We do, too, Bar,” Joe assured him, “We love you.”

Barry could tell he meant it. Joe _did_ love him. But did he still love him as much as he did before? Before Barry was a time remnant? To Joe, it probably felt like the man standing next to him was the Barry he truly loved. Did Joe love that Barry more? See him as the _real_ Barry?

“I love you, too,” Barry choked.

God, he loved them all so much, and the fact that he had to even question whether or not they returned that love killed him inside.

“Okay,” Iris said, walking over and taking his hand, “Let’s go home.”

* * *

Barry felt strange, staying in the guest room. It didn’t feel right, sleeping in here. He didn’t have any of his things, his possessions. It felt like only a few days ago, he had been sleeping in his own bedroom. He had felt at home here. Now, just like that, he suddenly had nothing. He suddenly felt like a guest in his own home. Barry hadn’t felt this way since he was in high school and still thought of himself as Joe’s charity case.

That’s what he was now, though, right? He was a charity case. He was a damaged, unwanted mistake that they now had to live with. He still couldn’t believe the situation he now found himself in. He couldn’t believe his own family could ever make him feel this way. Like an outsider.

They were acting as if he was a stranger. Like they didn’t know him. When just a few days ago…

Barry sighed and turned over in bed. Things would get better. With time, they would all adjust to this new situation. They would all get used to having two Barry’s in their lives. They would eventually realize that he was still their Barry. He mattered. He wasn’t a mistake, and he would prove that to them.

He just wished he didn’t _have_ to prove it.

Barry sat up in bed when he heard a quiet tap on the door.

“Come in,” he said immediately.

The last person Barry had been expecting to see walk through the door was himself. Original Barry had hardly said two words to him since they had come home.

“Hey,” O-Barry said quietly, closing the door behind him, “Can we talk?”

Barry nodded slowly.

“I’d like that,” he whispered.

O-Barry walked further into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. Barry leaned up against the headboard and pulled his knees to his chest. He winced slightly when the movement tugged his sensitive skin the wrong way.

“How are you doing?” O-Barry asked sadly.

Barry wanted to get defensive with him. He wanted to respond, “ _what do_ you _care?”_ but he knew himself. He knew O-Barry really _did_ feel bad about the situation. It was still _him_ , after all.

“I feel kind of bad,” Barry admitted, “I feel like now they have to put up with two of us.”

O-Barry laughed.

“I’m going to be honest,” he said, “That’s kind of how I felt about it, too. It’s not _your_ fault, though. None of this is.”

“See, that’s where you’re wrong,” Barry said with a sad smile, “We _both_ did this. I’m you. I made the decision to create a time remnant, too. Just because I ended up _being_ the time remnant, it doesn’t mean I’m not guilty of this mistake.”

“So you agree that this was a mistake?” O-Barry said gently, “You agree that I—that _we_ —messed up?”

Barry nodded slowly and looked down.

“Sorry,” O-Barry said quickly, “I’m sorry if that was blunt of me to say. You’re me, though. You think the same way I do. It makes me feel like I can be blunt with you because really, I’m just being blunt with myself.”

“I understand,” Barry whispered, “I know what you mean. It’s not like we’re twins or something. We _are_ the same person.”

O-Barry laughed then.

“So, does this count as talking to yourself?” he asked jokingly.

Barry laughed, too.

“I guess so,” he agreed, “Just in the most twisted way. We take that phrase to a whole new level.”

Barry sighed then.

“I’m sorry if it feels like I’m trying to take your place,” Barry said quietly, “And _don’t_ say it doesn’t feel that way because I know you. It does. That’s how _I_ would feel if I were you—if I were the original Barry.”

O-Barry sighed and nodded slowly.

“Yeah, it does feel that way,” he admitted, not bothering to lie.

“It feels that way to me, too, though,” Barry said quietly, “I feel that way about _you_. Just because I’m a time remnant, it doesn’t mean I don’t still _feel_ like the original. To me…it feels like _you_ are trying to take _my_ place. The only difference between us is that the odds are more in your favor.”

“It’s not a competition,” O-Barry said quietly, “We don’t have to compete against each other.”

“You and I both know that’s what’s going to end up happening, though,” Barry said sadly, “It’s inevitable…and you’re going to win. You’re not damaged. You’re not a time remnant. You still _look_ like Barry.”

“But mentally, we’re _both_ Barry,” O-Barry reasoned.

“Yeah,” Barry whispered, “Mentally.”

O-Barry sighed heavily then.

“Speaking of competing,” he said, “Wally is going to hate us now.”

Barry nodded sadly.

“I know,” he said, “I’ve thought the same thing. He now has _two_ of us to compete with for Joe’s affection. Our relationship with him is going to get so much worse.”

“It would help if you moved out,” O-Barry said then.

Barry stared at him.

“I’m sorry,” O-Barry said quickly, “But you’re me, remember? I’m just being blunt. This whole situation isn’t going to work. I know it sucks, being the time remnant, but you know this just isn’t going to work. I get that you want to live. I didn’t get it at first, but I do now. I just don’t see why you’re doing this, why you’re creating this problem for all of us.”

“You’re right,” Barry said quietly, “That _is_ pretty blunt.”

“Well, no one else in the house was going to say it,” O-Barry said, “No one wants to hurt your feelings, but _I_ can. Because you’re me.”

“I suppose we’ve always been pretty hard on ourself,” Barry said thoughtfully, “We’ve always hated ourself, haven’t we? Of course you would hate your time remnant.”

“I don’t _hate_ you,” O-Barry said painfully.

“Yes, you do,” Barry said simply, “You hate me because I’m you. You resent my existence the same way I resent yours. Let’s not pretend like we don’t hate each other.”

O-Barry sighed.

“Okay, fine,” he said, “I hate you. But I also love you. It doesn’t make any sense, but…”

“Yes, it does,” Barry sighed, “It makes a lot of sense. You feel about me the same way you feel about yourself, which has always been a mixture of feelings. You don’t know _how_ to feel about me because deep down, you don’t know how you feel about yourself. It’s easier to just hate yourself. Hate _me_.”

O-Barry nodded.

“I think you’re selfish,” O-Barry blurted then, “I think you’re selfish for trying to stick around. You know it complicates everyone’s lives.”

“And I think _your_ selfish,” Barry returned, a slight hint of anger in his voice, “You’re selfish for thinking your existence is more valid than mine, for thinking you deserve the life, the job, the _family_ , and wanting to leave me with _nothing._ Can’t you realize that they’re my family, _too_?”

O-Barry let out a heavy sigh.

“How exactly do you expect this to play out, Barry?” he asked in frustration, “You _can’t_ be me. We can’t _both_ be Barry Allen. You can’t work at the CCPD. You can’t be the Flash. You can’t—”

“Who said I can’t be the Flash?” Barry asked angrily, “Cisco could make another suit. The city could have _two_ Flashes then. I wouldn’t even have to train for it. I already know what I’m doing because I _was_ the Flash. I _am_ the Flash.”

“Okay, fine,” O-Barry sighed, “You have a point there. The city could benefit from having another Flash. But everything else, though. Our loved ones.”

“They have enough room in their hearts for two Barry’s,” Barry reasoned.

“What about Iris?” O-Barry asked quietly, “When I’m finally ready…when I’m finally in the right place to be with her…she can’t just date both of us. She can’t date two Barry’s.”

Barry didn’t say anything. He _couldn’t_ say anything in response. O-Barry was right. They couldn’t both date her. That would be a really fucked up relationship, even if Iris was open to it. She would have to choose one of them.

And she would choose the one who had his whole face.

Barry felt like he was going to be sick. He would never be with Iris. After fifteen years of waiting, he wouldn’t get to be with the woman he loved. He would have to watch her be happy with another version of him. It was like earth 2 all over again.

“I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling right now,” O-Barry said sadly, “I would be devastated if I were you.”

Barry couldn’t even look at him, at the _perfect_ Barry. He looked down at his knees, tears welling in his remaining eye.

“I _am_ devastated,” he choked, “This whole thing is a nightmare I keep waiting to wake up from.”

“I’m sorry,” O-Barry whispered, “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.”

“I was supposed to die,” Barry choked, “I…I know that. I can see why. It’s just…”

“It sucks,” O-Barry said sadly.

Barry nodded.

“I just need time to think,” he whispered, “I need some time to figure things out.”

O-Barry nodded sadly.

“I understand,” he said quietly.

He got up then and moved towards the door.

“Goodnight, Barry,” he said softly.

* * *

 


	4. Existence

After the conversation he had with himself, Barry was more confused than ever. He had been so sure that he wanted to live, but now he found himself questioning that decision. He understood now why time remnants were supposed to be disposable. He had decided to live, but…it wouldn’t be a full life. His life would never be _his_ again.

That didn’t mean he didn’t want to _try_ , though. He still wanted to try to have a life. He wasn’t ready to give up just like that. So, he would never have Iris. The other Barry would, though, and they would be happy together. In a way, he would still get the girl. He just wouldn’t ever get the chance to enjoy that life with her. He would only get tastes of it—by living vicariously through his original self.

Iris would still love him, though, even if she wouldn’t be with him. He was still a version of Barry, and she would always love him. They _all_ would.

Barry just wished he didn’t have to constantly tell himself that.

“Hey, Barry,” Iris said happily when Barry walked into the kitchen, “I made pancakes.”

“Where’s Barry?” he asked looking around.

“He had to go to work,” she said gently, “Emergency case.”

“Oh,” Barry said quietly, sitting down at the table.

Iris set a plate of pancakes down in front of him. They looked amazing.

“I’m actually not very hungry for pancakes,” Barry said immediately, “You should give those to Joe or Wally. I think I’m just going to have a calorie bar instead.”

Iris gave him a strange look for a moment. Then her eyes widened.

“Stop it,” she said seriously.

“What?” Barry asked.

“I know what you’re doing, Barry Allen,” she said angrily, “And I’m not going to put up with it.”

“What?” he asked again, “What do you think I’m doing?”

“You haven’t eaten anything besides calorie bars in the last two days you’ve been here,” she said seriously, “I thought it was just you, but now I know why you’re doing it.”

Barry sighed and ran a hand over the half of his face that wasn’t bandaged.

“I just don’t want to be a burden,” he said, “With me here, you now have _two_ speedsters to feed instead of one.”

“Barry, _please_ don’t worry about that,” Iris said seriously, “You’re not a guest here. You _live_ here and you’re allowed to eat whatever you want, like you always have.”

“Yeah, but before, I at least pulled my weight,” Barry pointed out, “I had a stable job and could pay for groceries. I don’t have _anything_ now.”

“Yes, you do,” Iris said seriously, “You have _us_. And _we_ are not going to let you live off of calorie bars.”

Barry gave her a small smile.

“These pancakes _do_ look good,” he laughed.

“Then eat,” Iris said firmly, “No more calorie bars for every meal.”

“Thank you,” Barry said softly.

Iris smiled at him as he started to eat. Just then, Joe walked into the kitchen, also smiling.

“I have good news,” he said to Barry, “Felicity was able to find a new identity for you.”

Barry nearly choked on the bite of pancakes he had just put in his mouth.

“W-what?” he asked.

“Well, you can’t exactly be Barry Allen,” Joe said obviously, “We can’t have two Barry Allen’s walking around the city. You want to be your own person, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Barry said slowly, “But I want to be _Barry_. I don’t want to be some fake identity.”

Joe frowned at him.

“You would still be Barry,” he said, “You would just have a different name. Deep down, you would still be Barry, though.”

“It would probably be easier,” Iris added thoughtfully, “Having two people with the same name in the house is kind of confusing.”

“I don’t want to be called by a different name,” Barry said, his voice shaking slightly, “I want to be called _Barry_.”

“Well, we need some way to differentiate between the two of you,” Joe said thoughtfully.

“Barry one and Barry two?” Iris laughed.

Joe laughed, too. Barry, however, didn’t even crack a smile.

“I take it I’m Barry two?” he asked dryly.

The smiles left Joe’s and Iris’s faces then.

“Come on, Bar,” Joe said reasonably, “You know we don’t mean it like _that_.”

“How am I supposed to take it then?” Barry asked angrily, “You want me to change my name. My _name_ , Joe! I already feel like a shadow next to my other self, and now you’re going trying to turn me into an entirely different person? Why do _I_ have to change my name? I don’t see you asking _him_ to change _his_ name.”

Joe and Iris looked completely shocked, and Barry knew why. They would have never even considered asking the original Barry to change his name. He was the original. Of course, between the two of them, the time remnant would be the one to take up a new identity.

“It’s just a name, Barry,” Iris said gently, “Changing it doesn’t have to mean anything. It wouldn’t make you less important.”

“Yes, it would!” Barry nearly shouted, “It _would_ make me feel less important. It _would_ change things. It would change _everything. I am Barry_! Can’t you guys see that?! I’m the guy who put that scorch mark on the kitchen ceiling with one of my crazy high school experiments! I’m the guy who you used to sit next to, Joe, because I was afraid of the dark! I’m the guy, Iris, who exchanges Christmas presents with you a day early every year. I’m the guy who—”

“Barry,” Iris said softly, “We get it. I’m sorry. We didn’t know this idea would upset you so much. That wasn’t what we were trying to do.”

Barry was breathing heavily, his hands clenched into fists. He glared down at his plate, his anger consuming him. At first, this entire situation saddened and frustrated him, but now it was more than that. Now Barry was getting angry. He was angry over how they were constantly making him feel. The worst part was that they weren’t trying to be cruel. They were just oblivious to how he felt. They were oblivious to how their constant reminders of him being a time remnant chipped away at his spirit.

Barry stood up from the table then.

“Where are you going?” Joe and Iris both asked at the same time.

“To get a piece of myself back,” Barry spat at them.

Before they could protest, before they could tell him he shouldn’t be running in his condition, Barry flashed out of the room. The run wasn’t exactly pleasant. It caused his damaged skin to crack open and bleed in some places, but Barry didn’t care. He had to get to STAR Labs.

“Cisco!” Barry shouted, walking into the cortex, “You have any Flash stuff for me?”

“Not really,” Cisco said, looking at his computer, “I mean there’s a small fire you could help out with, but I think the fire department has it…”

Cisco trailed off when he spun around in his chair and saw which Barry he was talking to.

“…covered,” Cisco finished, his eyebrows furrowing at Barry, “I didn’t realize you were…”

“Where’s the fire?” Barry asked, ignoring Cisco’s comment.

“Are you sure you should be running right now, man?” Cisco asked nervously, “You haven’t even had your bandages taken off, yet.”

“I’m good,” Barry said dismissively, “Where’s the fire?”

“Really, man. It’s fine,” Cisco assured him, “The fire department has it covered, and if they need help, I could always call Barry and ask him to—”

“I _AM_ BARRY!” Barry screamed at him, his throat tearing and his good eye filling with tears, “Please, Cisco! Not you, too! Please don’t dismiss me like that! I _am_ Barry! I _am_ the Flash! So let me be the Flash!”

Cisco stared at him, his eyes wide.

“S-sorry,” he stuttered, giving Barry a strange look, “I…I didn’t mean anything by it, Barry.”

Barry suddenly recognized the strange look on Cisco’s face for what it was. It was a look of fear.

“Don’t,” Barry nearly sobbed, “Please, Cisco. Don’t be afraid of me. I’m sorry for blowing up. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t,” Cisco said quickly, “I’m not scared of you, man.”

“Yes, you are,” Barry choked, brushing a tear from his face, “I just wish you wouldn’t be. I wish you knew that you didn’t _have_ to be. It’s me, Cisco. It’s _Barry_. I’m not some unstable time remnant. I’m still the same Barry you’ve always known. I’m sorry I lost my temper. It’s just…this is so much _harder_ than I thought it would be. I’m so tired of being treated like…like Barry number two.”

“I get it, man,” Cisco said softly.

He really didn’t. _None_ of them did.

“I really need this, Cisco,” Barry choked, “I really need to be the Flash right now. I need to feel like myself.”

Cisco nodded sadly at him.

“Okay, man,” he said quietly, “You can wear Ba—your suit. The fire is at 826 Broadway Ave. Just be careful, okay?”

Barry nodded.

“Thank you, Cisco,” he said quietly.

He didn’t hesitate to grab his suit then and take off. It felt good to wear his suit, even if the tight fit of the material aggravated his wounds. He felt like himself again as he ran to the scene. He felt like the Flash.

The fire really was an easy situation to deal with. It wasn’t even much of a fire, and Barry could see now why Cisco told him the fire department had it handled. Barry still took the time to make sure everyone made it out of the building alright, and he dealt with the fire promptly. Despite the mildness of the flames, Barry felt a little anxiety as he was putting it out. He was recovering from burn wounds, after all. He couldn’t really remember that night clearly, but when he tried to remember it, all he could remember was the blinding _pain_ of it.

He didn’t let his new-found anxiety about fire stop him, though, and he put the fire out in no time. Barry was feeling pretty proud of himself as he ran back to STAR Labs. He was one step closer to proving to them he was still the Flash. He was still Barry. If he kept this up, they would eventually see the truth—that he was more than just a copy.

Barry skidded to a stop in the STAR Labs hallway and slowed to a walk, breathing heavily. It was such a small fire, but maybe Cisco had been right. Maybe it _was_ a little too soon for him to be running. He should let himself heal more before going back to being the Flash. Barry wasn’t going to admit that to them, though. He couldn’t afford to take a medical leave from being the Flash. He had to get his life back as fast as possible. He to make sure they saw him as _him_ from early on—before the idea of him being just a time remnant solidified in their minds.

As Barry neared the cortex, he could hear Cisco and Caitlin’s voices drifting back towards him. He froze in his tracks when he overheard what they were saying.

“You let him take Barry’s suit?” Caitlin asked.

“The remnant just wanted to be the Flash,” Cisco said sadly, “He still thinks he _is_ the Flash. He still thinks he’s Barry.”

“It’s sad,” Caitlin sighed, “When he first woke up...I swear it was like I was really talking to Barry. Really, deep down he _is_ Barry, isn’t he?”

“I guess,” Cisco said slowly, “I feel bad for him. He’s so confused. He’s trying so hard to get his life back, but it’s not really his life anymore. It’s Barry’s.”

“Barry said the same thing,” Caitlin said, “He said the remnant is trying to take over his life.”

“That must be hard for Barry to deal with,” Cisco said sadly, “I don’t know what I would do if I had some copy of myself constantly trying to worm his way into my life. It’s like Barry’s been split in two. There’s now two people trying to be the same person, but…Barry is real, and his time remnant…”

“I feel incredibly bad for the remnant,” Caitlin sighed, “His whole existence is just so…sad.”

Barry leaned up against the wall and tilted his head back against it, tears trailing down his face. He was never going to convince them he was Barry. He was always going to be just a time remnant to them. They weren’t abandoning him, but they were shunning him. Whether they realized it or not, that’s what they were constantly doing. They didn’t truly love him. They just pitied him.

They pitied him and his…sad existence.

* * *


	5. Godspeed Your Love to Me

* * *

**Godspeed Your Love to Me**

* * *

Barry didn't know how much longer he could do this. He didn't know how long he could keep living in a house where he was clearly unwanted. He was a parasite to them. He wasn't Barry. He was just a damaged time remnant who had stubbornly clung to life.

And now they were stuck with him.

Every time Barry thought about leaving, though, he was consumed by overwhelming sadness. He knew he should probably just go off and try to be his own person. Start over. But that was a lot easier said than done. He couldn't leave. He would miss them too much. He _loved_ them. He needed to be surrounded by people he loved right now. His father had just died. He needed support, and he certainly wasn't going to find it anywhere else in the world if he decided to go off on his own. Who would support him? Who would accept him?

Who would accept a face like this?

The bandages were finally off for good now. Barry just had to live with what he had. He had to accept it. He could hardly stand to look into a mirror, though. Every time Barry saw the circular scars covering his skin, the ghostly white eye…

Barry knew he was hard to look at. Just looking at _himself_ made his stomach churn. He could tell he made the others uncomfortable, noticed the way their eyes always flitted between both sides of his face, trying to focus only on his good side when they were speaking to him. It made it hard to talk to them. He couldn't stand to carry on a conversation with anyone for very long because every time Joe's or Wally's or Iris's eyes flitted to the right side of his face, a small part of him would curl up inside.

He could only imagine the looks they gave him that he didn't see. Maybe it was a blessing he was blind in his right eye now. He couldn't always see them staring at him. He still caught them sometimes, though—staring at the scars. He knew it was just in his head, but the looks they gave him…it was almost like he was an ugly bug in the room they just wanted to squash. His presence in the house irritated them. He was just a flee.

How they _treated_ him was different, though. They treated him with kindness—probably with more kindness than before he was a time remnant—but that somehow made things worse. He didn't want them to treat him like he was this broken, delicate thing for them to take care of. He wanted them to treat him like Barry. He wanted to be seen as a family member, not some charity case they were stuck with and felt responsible for.

Barry found himself constantly jealous when he saw how they interacted with his original self. Their conversations with O-Barry were so much… _easier_. They laughed more, and they seemed so much more comfortable around the original version. It seemed so ridiculous—being jealous of himself—but he couldn't help but resent O-Barry, especially with the way he was treating him.

O-Barry wasn't necessarily being mean to him. He wasn't being _nice_ to him either. It was like he was simply tolerating him. He was indifferent to his time remnant. He had accepted that Barry lived here, too, but he didn't seem to like it when Barry tried to participate in conversations. It felt like he was always trying to block Barry's attempts to connect with everyone, and he was constantly pushing him out of the loop.

Family game nights now had so much more tension, and that tension was no longer between him and Wally. It was between him and his original self—the two Barry's. Even on a day to day basis, Barry felt like he could only interact with the others when his original self wasn't around. It felt like he was always under O-Barry's thumb.

"So, Barry," Joe said gently, "This is what Felicity managed to get for you."

He set several ID's on the counter. Barry had reluctantly agreed to go along with their whole fake identity scheme. It was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, but he also didn't want to argue with them. He was going out of his way _not_ to argue with them, not to get defensive or lose his temper with them whenever they made insensitive comments.

Despite how down he was feeling, Barry was trying his best to be happy and uplifting around them. He wanted to make his presence a pleasant one in the house. He couldn't do anything about his grotesque appearance, but he could control his disposition. Maybe if he just did everything he was told and kept a pleasant attitude at all times, they would love him like they used to.

"We wanted to give you the chance to pick your name," Joe said gently, "Felicity was able to find three identities from a local morgue, so you have your pick of the three."

"You're giving me a dead person's name?" Barry asked quietly.

"It's the most authentic form of fake identification," Joe told him.

Barry nodded and sighed.

"It's fitting, I guess," he muttered, as he looked down at the IDs.

It was almost poetic, taking a dead person's identity. He was like a ghost already, wasn't he? He was just a ghost of the Barry he used to be. It fit that he would now possess a dead man's name.

Barry looked at the three names he had in front of him. Malcom Mercury. Daniel Cobalt. Thomas Savitar. **[1]** None of them sounded like him. He wasn't a Thomas. He wasn't a Daniel or a Malcom. He was Barry Allen. He wished Joe had just given him an identity. Asking him to pick one was so much worse.

"I don't want to do this," Barry sighed, looking away from the IDs with tears in his eyes, "I can't pick one."

"Just pick whichever one speaks to you most," Joe said quietly.

"None of them feel like me, though," Barry whispered, his breath starting to hitch in his throat.

"Do you want me to pick for you?" Joe asked sadly.

Barry nodded, afraid to speak for fear of a sob escaping him. He had been trying so hard not to cry in front of them.

Joe was quick about it. He grabbed one of the IDs at random and slid it on the table towards him. He hardly even paid it a moment's thought, picking Barry's new name.

Thomas Savitar.

Barry stared at it with watery eyes.

"We'll still call you Barry," Joe said quietly, "If that's what you want. It's just an identity. It'll allow you to have a life. A social security number. A _job_."

"What kind of job can I get, though?" Barry whispered, "Thomas Savitar doesn't have a double major in physics and chemistry. _Barry Allen_ does."

"You can't get a job as Barry Allen," O-Barry said, walking into the room, "It just wouldn't work."

"Why not?" Barry asked, looking at his double with watery eyes, "I get that I can't be a CSI at the CCPD anymore, but why can't I just work for a different precinct? Or an entirely different department?"

"All the questions that would raise aside," O-Barry sighed exasperatedly, "What about public records? What am I supposed to do? File income taxes for _two_ jobs?"

"I would pay for my part of it," Barry said desperately, "We would file the claims as one person, but we would use both our salaries to pay the tax on it. Taxes wouldn't be a problem and you know it."

"Okay," O-Barry said fairly, "That doesn't solve the other problems, though. How the hell would I explain to Singh why I'm suddenly working two full-time jobs? And wherever you decide to work, it would have to be far away, somewhere where people won't recognize you. People are going to wonder why Barry Allen sometimes has half his face and sometimes doesn't."

"Barry!" Joe said harshly.

"I'm just being honest," O-Barry said, "I'm just pointing out the obvious—what no one else will say because they don't want to hurt my— _his_ feelings. The ugly truth of it is, he can't go walking around Central City like that. I can't have a double of me walking around looking like that. It would raise too many questions."

"Sorry my face is such a burden for you," Barry said angrily, "I didn't choose for it to look this way. In fact, I only got this way saving _your_ ungrateful ass. The least you can do is let me have a _life_!"

"I'm not stopping you from having a life," O-Barry said reasonably, "I'm just stopping you from trying to have _my_ life."

"It's my life, too!" Barry shouted.

"Barry," Joe said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, "It's alright."

Barry shook his head let out a pitiful sob, burying his face in his hands.

"Hey," O-Barry said, moving closer to him, "I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I'm being so harsh. I'm not trying to be cruel to you. To me, it feels like I'm just being cruel to myself, so it feels like it's okay. I just forget sometimes."

"But I'm _not_ you," Barry said, looking up at him with angry, watery eyes, "The longer we're split apart, the less I feel like you. I can't even think of you as being me anymore because I honestly can't believe I would ever be this selfish. I…I'm not you. _I'm_ Barry Allen, and you're just the selfish, privileged version of me who got to be the 'original.' You're just a spoiled little brat who can't think about anyone but yourself. You're not the original, and you didn't ' _create'_ me. I've always existed. I'm just from a slightly different time. Nobody fucking sees it that way, though." **[2]**

Joe and O-Barry stared at him in shock. It was the first time he had been truly open about everything he was feeling. Barry knew he was crossing a line—speaking out of turn—but he couldn't help it. All his anger just continued bubbling to the surface.

"You keep acting like I'm trying to steal your life," he continued, angrily wiping the tears from his eyes, "But I'm not. I'm just trying to get _my_ life _back_. I'm not trying to _take_ anything from you. I'm willing to coexist with each other, and you're the one who keeps pushing me away. Yet everyone keeps acting like _I'm_ the problem."

"Because you are!" O-Barry shouted lividly at him, "You're not _real_! You're just a mistake of mine that I allowed to stick around! And you're constantly making me regret that decision now! I allowed you to live! You should be grateful!"

Barry shook his head at O-Barry, his mouth a thin line. His hands were trembling now with rage.

"My _. Hero_ ," he choked, his voice shaking in anger.

With that he stood up and stormed out of the room. He passed Iris in the doorway. She looked at him with wide eyes as he brushed past her. He just kept walking, though, quickly climbing the stairs and heading to his room. No, not his room. The _guest_ room. Because he was just a fucking _guest_ here.

* * *

**( _Original Barry)**_

The three of them all looked seriously at each other after the time remnant left.

"I'll go talk to him," Iris sighed, before leaving the room.

As soon as she left, Barry looked over and saw the look Joe was giving him.

"What?" he asked in a hard voice.

"Bar," Joe sighed, "You can't keep treating him like that."

"Like what?" Barry demanded, "I was just trying to be honest. I can be honest with _myself_."

"Your time remnant was right, though," Joe said seriously, "You two aren't the same person…not anymore. You can't keep hating him like this."

"He _is_ still me," Barry said stubbornly, "We still have the same personality. The same memories."

Joe shook his head sadly at him.

"Barry, you've always looked for reasons to hate yourself," he said quietly, "And now you have a physical copy of yourself to lay all that hate on. It's not fair to him. You need to stop seeing him as an extension of yourself and start seeing him as his own individual. He may have all your memories, but he's not you. He's a separate person with his own thoughts and feelings. He doesn't exist to be a version of you that you can belittle and repeatedly put down with snide comments in an attempt to punish yourself. Punishing _him_ isn't going to ease your own guilt."

"That's not what I'm trying to do," Barry said defensively, "I'm not being hard on him so I can feel _better_ about myself. I'm being hard on him because he's trying to take my place here."

"He's _confused_ , Bar," Joe said sadly, "He thinks he's still you. I can't even imagine what he's going through right now."

"I _do_ feel bad for him," Barry admitted, "But at the same time, he makes it hard for me to feel bad for him when he's constantly trying to infiltrate my life. It's hard to feel bad for someone who's being so selfish. He's only thinking about himself. He's not thinking about the burden this is putting on the rest of us. I can't believe _any_ version of me could be this selfish."

"I don't think he's being selfish," Joe said firmly, "It's not selfish to want to be around the people you love. And he actually has been pretty generous about this whole thing. He's devastated by the idea of changing his name, but he's doing it anyways. That's not an easy thing, Bar."

"He's not _completely_ willing," Barry pointed out, "He was _just_ arguing with us about it, Joe."

"Because he's scared," Joe said reasonably, "He's scared, Barry. He's about to lose everything. With a new identity, he's going to have to start over. His future is a complete mystery to him right now, and that can't be a good feeling."

Barry let out a heavy sigh and ran a hand over his face.

"This was why we shouldn't have saved him that night," he said tiredly, "His life is never going to be full. His entire existence is always going to be just a mockery of life, and he's never going to be happy. It would have been better for everyone, _including him,_ if he had died."

"You need to stop talking like that, Barry," Joe said seriously, "You need to stop acting like he's disposable."

"He _is_ disposable!" Barry said incredulously, "He's a _time remnant!_ "

"He's a person," Joe said firmly, "Sure, his existence started out as just a time remnant to be sacrificed, but the longer he stays alive—the more he _experiences_ —the more of an individual he becomes. He's not just a copy of you now, Barry. He's his own person. That's what I'm trying to get you to see."

Barry sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I just wish he'd go away," he sighed, "It's weird having him here, having a copy of myself living in our house, trying to be me. If he wants to live, fine, but he should go off and start his own life then. If he's such an _individual_ , he should go be his own person and stop trying to be Barry Allen."

"He _is_ Barry Allen," Joe said sadly, "At least, to him, he is. To him, he's not just a copy. Think about it if you were him, Bar. How would _you_ feel? Would you be able to leave your old life behind if you suddenly found out tomorrow you were just a time remnant?"

Barry deflated slightly then.

"No," he sighed, "I guess I wouldn't."

Joe gave him a sad smile and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I know this is hard for you," he said quietly, "But you don't have to worry about your time remnant taking your place. To us, _you_ will always be our Barry Allen. We'll love him like family, but _you_ , Barry, _you_ will always be our Bar."

Barry gave him a small smile.

"Thanks, Joe."

* * *

Iris paused outside the door to the guest room. She didn't know if she should go in or not. She didn't know what she was going to say. She didn't know how to talk to this new version of Barry. He was still Barry. He had all of Barry's memories and personality traits.

But at the same time, he was so different.

He _was_ Barry, but he also _wasn't_. He was a time remnant. And Iris had seen something in him lately that she had very rarely ever seen in her Barry before.

Resentment.

The time remnant now seemed to have a chip on his shoulder for them. He kept it well-hidden most of the time, though. In fact, he always seemed to be trying a little _too_ hard to be happy all the time. He was trying too hard to be like Barry. He went off on too many science rants, smiled just a little too much. It made her sad. He wanted to be Barry Allen so bad, and he was trying so hard to be the Barry they knew and loved, but the harder he _tried_ to be Barry, the more fabricated it felt—the more he seemed like a copy.

An imitation.

Iris took a deep breath and tapped lightly on the door before opening it. She stepped hesitantly into the room. The time remnant was sitting at the foot of his bed, head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking, and Iris quickly realized he was crying. She froze for a moment in the doorway. She hadn't seen him cry much. He had been trying to act so happy lately.

"Barry," she said softly.

The time remnant looked up then and looked at her.

"I'm s-sorry," he choked, "I'm so s-sorry. I didn't m-mean to lose my temper."

"It's okay," she said understandingly, "It's normal that you would be upset. Barry hasn't been treating you with the most respect since you were created. Joe's talking to him now."

"I h-hate him," the remnant said, shaking his head as tears trailed down his face, "I really h-hate him, Iris."

He looked at her then with worried eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "I know y-your probably on his side b-before mine. I just…"

"Barry," Iris said sadly, moving to sit down next to him on the bed, "I'm not on anyone's _side_. I love you both."

She was sitting on his left side, the undamaged side of him. As she looked at him, it was unbelievable how much he looked and seemed like Barry. He _was_ Barry. He still thought and felt the same way the real Barry would. He still needed her the same way the real Barry would. Iris swallowed back the lump in her throat and took his hand.

"I love you both," she repeated firmly.

And she really meant it. She _did_ love him.

Barry turned his head to the side and looked at her then, his entire face now in view. It made her stomach clench. Not in disgust. More like…in pity. It saddened her to see any version of Barry like this. So damaged. The time remnant had a strange look on his face. His expression was almost…hopeful. The remnant gave her hand a tentative squeeze.

"I know how complicated this is," he said quietly, his voice trembling slightly, "But I love you, too, Iris. I…I still love you…in the same way I did before."

Iris's breath caught in her throat. She hadn't thought about that.

Of course, she knew that this Barry would still love her, but she hadn't thought about how he would still have the same romantic feelings for her he did before. Really, she thought, she shouldn't be so surprised. Of course, his feelings wouldn't have changed. He was still Barry.

"Barry," she said in a strained voice.

"I know," he said quietly, "I know I'm not… _your_ Barry anymore. I know I'm not very pleasant to look at. I know I don't look like… _him_. But deep down, I'm still your Barry. I'm still the same person you've always known and loved. I know you would probably much rather be with the other Barry, but I…I just wanted to let you know it doesn't have to be that way. You wouldn't have to wait for me. You wouldn't have to wait for me to be ready. Yes, I'm still grieving my father—the same way he is—but I wouldn't make you wait. I wouldn't push you aside like that. I would love you with all my heart, even if my heart is shattered right now."

Iris stared at him, tears welling in her eyes. She didn't know what to say to him. It wasn't about how he looked—Iris wasn't that petty. If her Barry, the _original_ Barry, had had his face burned like this, it wouldn't have changed her feelings for him in the slightest. No, it was the fact that he wasn't _truly_ Barry. The real Barry was downstairs right now, and he would be appalled if she ran off and dated his _time remnant_ just because he needed more time to grieve. Iris had promised him that she'd wait for him; she'd wait for him to be ready. She wanted to be with Barry so bad, but she wasn't about to go running off with a different version of him just because she was tired of waiting.

"Barry," Iris choked, her voice cracking slightly, "I _can't_. I can't do that to him. I can't break the promise I made to him. I can't b-be with you. You're not…"

"You're the love of my life," the time remnant said, a few more tears trailing down both sides of his face, "Iris…you're the l-love of my life."

Iris felt her own tears escape then, etching long lines down her face.

"You're not _him_ , though," she sobbed, "You're…you're a _time remnant_ , Barry."

Iris didn't think she'd ever seen Barry's face crumple so terribly. She knew she was breaking his already shattered heart, but she couldn't lie to him. She needed to be honest with him, to let him know now that _that_ —a relationship between them—could never happen. She couldn't allow him to cling to that hope, and as much as it killed her to do it, she needed to break his heart. If she didn't—and if he really _was_ like Barry—he would go on always hoping she would be with him one day. Barry had waited _fifteen years_ to be with her. His time remnant would be no different. She needed to put an end to that false hope now, before it could grow.

"I know," the remnant choked, his voice sounding so small to her ears, "I know I'm…a time remnant. I know I don't seem like a real p-person to you, but… _I am_. I _am_ real, Iris. I'm your Barry. I'm the boy you met at the community picnic in the third grade. I'm the k-kid who put his head in your lap, who allowed you to hold him as he cried over the loss of his mother. I'm the teenager who left junior prom early because I was afraid to ask you to dance and you danced with Trent Robinson instead. I'm the man who came home from college _every_ weekend, just because I couldn't stand the thought of going another week without seeing your smile. I'm the man who finally confessed his love for you last Christmas after fourteen years of waiting. I've loved you from afar my whole life, Iris. I…I s-still love you with every breath I take. I know it's asking a lot…for you to love me back, but I have to _try_. I owe it to myself to try. All I've ever wanted was for you to love me back, and finally…you did—only for me to then become a time remnant and lose you all over again. I can lose everything else. My home. My possessions. My job. My _name_. But I can't lose _you_ , Iris. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I'll _always_ love you… _no matter what_."

Iris was full-on crying now, horrible sobs escaping her throat. Why did this have to happen? Why did she now have to break Barry's heart? She loved him. She loved _every_ version of him. But she couldn't be with both of them. No matter what she did, no matter how much she loved Barry, she would have to break one of their hearts. Before she could say anything, the time remnant cupped the side of her face, turning it towards him. He lovingly brushed one of her tears away with his thumb, his own tears still continuing to trail down his face as he looked into her eyes.

And then he leaned in.

He slowly leaned in to kiss her. Even though she should have, Iris didn't turn away. She couldn't. When their lips met, Iris sank into the kiss. She crumbled. A sob nearly escaped her lips as she connected them with Barry's. It wasn't like their first kiss had been. It wasn't soft and sweet. The kiss was filled with longing and desperation—and that desperation was coming from _both_ of them. Iris didn't break the kiss. She returned it. She moved her lips with Barry's, as tears slid silently down her face. Iris's hand went up to his face, brushing against the scars that were there. It only made Barry deepen the kiss, making it more desperate, more intense.

It was the saddest and also the most beautiful kiss Iris had ever experienced in her life.

When they finally broke apart, when they finally pulled away from each other, Iris opened her eyes, not even remembering having closed them. Barry was looking back at her, his face inches from hers. Air stopped moving into her lungs when she saw the look in his eyes, the _depth_ in them. The love. He really _was_ Barry, wasn't he?

That just made this so much harder.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I…I'm so sorry. I can't. I can't do this to Barry."

The look on the time remnant's face when she said these words was a look she would _never_ forget. It was so much more than a look of rejection. It was a look of pure agony. This was unfathomably worse than the first time she had rejected him, yet it felt so similar. That night, a year ago, when Barry had confessed his feelings for her, she had broken his heart—because she had made a promise to another man. The only difference was that now, that other man wasn't Eddie. It was _Barry_. The real Barry.

Iris then did the only thing she could think to do. She pulled away. The remnant's hand slid from her face as she leaned away from him, tears in her eyes. He didn't say anything. He just stared at her, a million different emotions dancing in his eyes. Hurt. Heartache. Hopelessness. _Loss_.

Iris couldn't look into them anymore. She couldn't stand to see the pain there. The pain _she_ had caused. She stood up then. She gave him one last regretful look before leaving the room, closing the door softly behind her. Iris didn't stay at her dad's house long after that. She was quick to get back to her apartment. Before she left the house, however, she could have sworn she heard a muffled crash and the tinkling of glass shattering upstairs.

* * *

 

* * *

**[1]     "Malcom Mercury" is a combination of Malcom Thawne (Barry's evil twin in the comics) and Max Mercury (An evil speedster from the comics who impersonated Barry at one point)**

**"Daniel Cobalt" is a combination of Daniel West (The Crime Syndicate Flash) and Cobalt Blue (Barry's evil twin's alter ego)**

**And then of course there's "Thomas Savitar." I don't think I need to explain Savitar to you, but I got Thomas simply from Grant Gustin. "Grant" is actually his middle name, and his full name is actually "Thomas Grant Gustin." The name Thomas also literally means “twin,” so it seemed appropriate.**

**[2]     This footnote may take some patience to read. I’m going to attempt to explain how a time remnant is made.** **I’ve seen a lot of horribly complicated explanations that only added to people’s confusion, so I decided to write my own explanation, keeping things as simple as possible. If you understand my explanation, you’ll understand after reading it the importance of knowing what a time remnant truly is. It’ll make you see things involving time remnants in a completely different light.**

**The best way to explain time remnants is to give an example. This is an extremely simplified scenario, so it’s not at all realistic, but it’s easier to understand it that way.**

**Say it's 2:00. Barry's just sitting in the cortex, bored, and decides to make a time remnant just for shits and gigs—even though he would never actually do that. So at 2:05, Barry runs back to 2:00, where his past self is just sitting there chilling, thinking about creating a TR. There are two of them now: Barry 1 (who hasn’t done anything yet) and Barry 2 (who just ran back in time). Most people, including myself, assume that Barry 1 now has to time travel at 2:05 in order for Barry 2 to exist, but actually, he doesn't. Like with the Reverse Flash, it doesn't matter how Barry 2 got there. He's simply there, and what happens from here on is its own timeline. The timeline can go on however the two Barry's want it to. Barry 1 doesn't have to run back in time at 2:05. He can hang out with Barry 2—who’s now a time remnant—and they can do whatever needs to done. In Savitar's case, the two Barry's both lived and went on to live their own separate lives, becoming two different individuals.**

**After thinking it all out, if you look at it from Barry 2's perspective, he started out as just Barry. Then he decided to create a time remnant, so he ran back five minutes, and by doing so, he suddenly _became_ a time remnant. He turned himself into one when he time traveled. That’s why Savitar said he “created himself” because technically, Barry 1— _original_ Barry—never did any time traveling. He didn’t do shit. He just came up with the idea of it. Time remnants technically create themselves, not the other way around. **

**But really, “create” is a super inaccurate word, considering no one _created_ anyone. They both already existed; they’re just five minutes apart. No one is a _copy_ or a _clone_. There is no _true_ original. Barry 1 gets to call himself the original because from his perspective, Barry 2 just appeared out of nowhere and is “intruding” in his timeline. Barry 2 is supposed to be five minutes in the future, so for that reason, he’s considered the remnant.**

**If you’re still with me, I have another interesting point to make about this. Technically, every Barry time travels, he turns himself into a time remnant. Last season, when he ran back a year to season 1 and met his past self, he was technically a time remnant. He wasn’t perceived that way, though. He was thought of as simply “future Barry.” So really, in any situation, neither one of them is the original while one is a remnant. They're both Barry, just from different times. It's easy to see that when there's a year difference between them, but when it's only a few minutes, they all seem to have to decide on one of them being more valid than the other. It just goes to show that "time remnant" is just a stupid label used to simplify the concept of having two Barry's existing within the same timeline.**

**Food for thought: if Barry turns himself into a time remnant when he travels to the past, what is when he goes to the future? A reverse-time remnant?**

**I know it's super trippy, but I hope this all makes sense. It's hard to wrap your mind around it because there are two perspectives to look at it from: Barry 1's and Barry 2's. The fact that time remnants are so confusing makes it harder for people to see Savitar's side of things. It's actually a lot of work to think about it and try to understand it, so people just don't. They simply think of things in terms of only "original" Barry's perspective, and it’s an easy cop-out to think of the other one as just a copy or an aberration, even though he’s so much more than that.**

**My point is that the time remnant truly is still the same Barry Allen, and the more you think about it and realize it, the sadder Savitar’s situation seems.**

**Hopefully this story—and this rant—helps people understand more.**


	6. Thomas

* * *

**Thomas**

* * *

Barry didn't stop her from leaving. He didn't do _anything_. Iris got up and walked out of the room—walked away from him. After rejecting him in the cruelest way possible. Why had she kissed him?! Why had she given him that little spark of hope just to immediately snuff it out again?!

It was just cruel.

Barry didn't understand it. Maybe she had just forgotten. Maybe, in that one moment, she had forgotten he was just a time remnant. For just a moment, Iris had seen him as _Barry_. And then the kiss ended and she had opened her eyes.

She had seen his face.

Barry got up shakily from the bed and crossed the room. He looked into the dresser mirror, the one he had been avoiding for weeks. The face that stared back at him was not his own. It was the face of a monster. He could hardly even recognize himself anymore.

How could he expect _them_ to?

Barry glared at his reflection with tears in his eyes. Why did this have to happen?! Not just the scars, but _all_ of it! Why did he have to become a time remnant and lose everything, just like that? Losing his father wasn't enough?! He had to lose everything else, too?!

He wished his father was still here. He needed someone to lean on, someone to support him. Barry's stomach clenched when he was suddenly struck by a sickening thought. If his father was still here, he would probably be just like everyone else. His own father would probably see him as just a time remnant, too.

No. Barry couldn't think about that right now. He couldn't allow the memory of his father to be tainted like that. His parents were the only loved ones he had whose memories were still untainted. The others, however…his feelings towards them were changing. He had so many great memories with all of them from before he became a time remnant, but the new memories he was creating with them now were slowly starting to tarnish the old ones.

He was starting to resent them. His frustration with them was slowly turning into resentment.

He was here! Barry was right here in front of them, but they didn't recognize him! He was Barry! How could they really not see that?! How could he get them to _see_ him?!

Iris had. For a moment, she had seen him. And then she had opened her eyes.

How ironic. She could only see him when her eyes were closed. As soon as she saw his…disfigurement, though, she was reminded that he wasn't the original Barry. Maybe if he hadn't lost half his face, they wouldn't be reminded of it so much. They wouldn't see him and O-Barry as two separate people. They wouldn't see him as just a damaged aberration of the person they had once loved.

Barry glared at his face in the mirror, wishing he could just claw it off. Anger, grief, and intense loathing pooled in his chest as he glared at the person in the mirror.

And then suddenly, the mirror was being ripped off its hinges and flew across the room, shattering into a million tiny pieces. Barry sank to his knees on the floor, in a bed of glass. He stared at the shards of reflective fragments, trying to hold in the wail of agony that was fighting to escape him.

Who was he now?

 _What_ was he?

He didn't feel like Barry Allen. Every day, he felt less and less like Barry. Every day, having his friends and family treating him like a stranger caused pieces of him to chip away. They were chipping away pieces of Barry Allen.

What would be left once he was gone?

* * *

Iris had mixed feelings. She didn't really understand most of those feelings, but there one emotion that she was feeling without a doubt.

Guilt.

Even _that_ emotion was confusing, though, because she was feeling guilty for two different things:

For breaking the other Barry's heart in the worst possible way.

And for kissing Barry's time remnant behind his back.

Really, they weren't officially dating, so it wasn't really cheating. Besides, the person she would be cheating on him with was another version of _him_. It wasn't cheating.

Iris still felt the need to tell Barry about it, though. Keeping it a secret felt…dirty to her. She didn't know how to tell him, though. He was going to be so upset by it. He was already so paranoid about his time remnant taking his place, she didn't need to give him another reason to hate the other Barry. Iris was actually a little scared of what Barry would do to his time remnant if he knew. He still didn't quite see the other Barry as a person. Barry saw him as just an aberration that shouldn't even be here—shouldn't even exist. Iris didn't understand how Barry—sweet, loving _Barry Allen_ —could be so cold to another person. She had never seen him be this cruel to anyone.

It was because Barry saw the time remnant as himself—his mistake. Barry felt guilty for accidentally creating this burden for everybody, and it was easier for him to deflect that guilt onto the time remnant, himself. Barry wanted to _fix_ his mistake, but fixing it would require something that Barry could never do.

It would require murder.

The thought of killing the remnant made Iris sick now. At first it seemed like a logical option, but now the thought of killing him seemed unfathomable to her. She had looked into his eyes. She had seen the soul that lived inside him. It was a sad soul—a deeply wounded soul—but it was a soul. He was a person.

Still, Iris didn't know what to do now. They had this other broken version of Barry in their lives now, and she didn't know how to be around him. So, she _wasn't_ around him. After their kiss, Iris avoided him. She couldn't bear to look in his sorrowful eyes. She couldn't bear the guilt and regret that consumed her every time she saw him.

So, she avoided him.

It took her a few days to finally work up the courage to tell Barry about the kiss, and when she did, his reaction was almost exactly what she had been expecting.

"He _what_?!" Barry nearly shouted.

"Barry, he's so confused," Iris said desperately, "He's _you_. He still loves me just as much as _you_ do."

"Why would he even _try_ something like that?" Barry asked angrily, "Why would he think that's okay?!"

"Because he's _you_ ," Iris repeated softly, "Barry, if you were a time remnant, would it make you suddenly decide not to try? Would you give up on me, just like that?"

"Iris, it's not that simple, and you know it," Barry persisted, "He knows how complicated this situation is, and it was selfish of him to put you in that position. I'm so sorry, Iris. I'm sorry my time remnant did that to you."

"Barry," Iris whispered.

"This is all my fault," Barry said in anguish, "I'm responsible for all of this. I created him, and now I've put you in this awful position. I can't even imagine how confusing this must be for you, having _two_ of me…"

"I love both of you," Iris said softly, and Barry gave her a strange look at these words.

"What?" he said, a shocked look on his face, "You mean you…?"

"Of course, I love him, Bar," Iris said obviously, "He's you."

"No," Barry said quickly, "No, he's not. If I understand anything now, it's that he's not me. We're split, Iris. We're two different people now, and the longer we exist, living as two separate beings, the more different we become. He's not me, Iris."

"But a part of him is," Iris said firmly, "Barry…I love you. _You_ are Barry Allen to me, but he…"

Iris let out a heavy sigh.

"He might not be Barry Allen anymore, but he _was_ , and a part of him still is. I saw it. In his eyes. He _is_ you…in some ways. But there's also a part of him that's…different. A part of him is b-broken…damaged. There was a darkness in his eyes, Barry, and I don't know where it came from, but it…it scares me."

Iris knew she was hurting Barry, telling him that she was afraid of _any_ version of him, but she needed to finally voice her fears out loud.

"I'm so sorry," Barry said, moving to hug her, "I'm so sorry he scared you, Iris."

Iris shook her head.

"It's…" she choked, "It's not that I'm afraid _of_ him. Barry, I'm afraid _for_ him. The look in his eyes..."

"Shh," Barry soothed, running a hand along the back of her head as he held her, "I know what you mean. I've seen it, too. You don't have to worry, though. He's just adjusting. He just needs time to adjust to his new life."

"You need to help him, Barry," Iris said, as they pulled out of their embrace, "He's so lost right now, and I think the only person who can help him is you."

"I…" Barry said in a strained voice, "I don't know how to help him, Iris."

"I know you don't," Iris said tearfully, "But I have a feeling if I try to help him, I'll just make things worse. None of us know how to reach out to him, and I think the only person who will be able to do that is you. You need to help him move on."

Barry sighed.

"You're right," he whispered, "I should be the one to reach out to him. You…you should probably keep your distance from him. For his own sanity. I'll see what I can do for him."

"Thank you, Barry," Iris said, giving him a watery smile.

"It's not going to be easy, though," Barry said, his jaw locking, "I don't know if I can even look him in the eye, knowing he kissed you."

"He really didn't do anything wrong, Barry," Iris insisted, "It's…it's not like we're dating."

A pained expression flitted across Barry's face for a moment, so fast Iris almost missed it. It was quickly replaced, though, by a small smile.

"Well, maybe we should change that," Barry said with a crooked smile.

Iris stared at him.

"Are you…?" she said in shock, "Are you saying…?"

Barry nodded.

"I'm ready, Iris," he said surely, "I'm done running from all the positive things in my life so I can dwell on the negative. I'm…I'm ready to give this a shot…if you are?"

Iris smiled at him, tears in her eyes as she took his hand.

"Of course I am, Barry."

* * *

_**(TR-Barry)**_

When Barry started to feel exhausted from trying to rebuild the relationships between him and his family at home, he decided to start spending more time at STAR Labs. He decided to try to fix _those_ relationships, instead.

Strangely, Barry felt somewhat more welcome at STAR Labs than he did at home. Cisco and Caitlin still treated him differently, but that was easier to deal with than having _family_ treating him differently. Really, the most painful was the way _Iris_ was treating him. She was clearly avoiding him. She rarely ever came to the house anymore, and when she did, she seemed like she could hardly even _look_ at him.

It made Barry sad more than anything, but there was also a part of him that was angry at her for it. She was the one who had torn out his heart and stomped on it. And now _she_ was avoiding _him_ because it was too painful for her to be around him? Didn't she realize how much _more_ painful it was for him to have her treating him like a stranger now? He knew she was only doing it because she felt guilty, but hurting him more was not exactly the best way to fix what she had done.

Barry tried not to think about Iris when he was at STAR Labs. He tried to focus on anything and everything else.

"What do you mean you can't make another?" he asked Cisco in confusion.

"Well, it's not really that I _can't_ ," Cisco said awkwardly, "It's more like I _shouldn't_."

"And why _shouldn't_ you?" Barry asked quietly, already knowing what Cisco was going to say.

"Look, man," Cisco sighed, "None of us have a problem with you being a hero again, but…"

"But you won't make another Flash suit," Barry whispered, "The other Barry told you not to."

"It would just be confusing," Cisco said quickly, "Having two Flashes running around. Look, man, I'll make you another suit, a _different_ suit. I'll even let you pick the color and everything this time. You can help me design it."

"No," Barry sighed, "Don't worry about it. I…I'd rather make it myself."

Cisco gave him a strange look.

"You don't want my help?" he asked in shock.

Barry shook his head and quickly wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. He would never be the Flash again.

"No, I think this is something I want to do alone," he said quietly, "I'll make it myself. Don't worry. It won't be red. I wouldn't want to take _Barry's_ place."

"Come on, man," Cisco said sadly, "Don't be like that. You'd still be a part of Team Flash. You would just be wearing a different suit."

"I understand," Barry choked, "I…I won't wear my— _his_ suit anymore. I'll make my own, and I'll still be a part of…of the team. I just…want to do this alone. It's something I _need_ to do alone."

"Okay," Cisco whispered, giving him a pitying look.

He pulled a smile on his face then.

"I get to come up with a new superhero name for you, though, right?"

Barry managed a watery smile at that.

"Sure, Cisco," he whispered.

* * *

It was official now. Barry's name was officially Thomas Astor Savitar. **[1]** Barry could hardly look at the ID. The picture of him, alone, made his stomach churn. It made him never want to take another picture again. Just taking that _one_ had been painful enough.

He would never be Thomas.

He was Barry Allen. That's who he was. He didn't care what the papers said. He would always be Barry Allen.

"Thanks," Barry muttered.

"No problem," O-Barry said flatly as he set the basket down on the bed.

He had gone through his closet and divided up some of the clothes. Barry could see just from glancing at the basket that O-Barry had actually given him some of the good ones. He had expected to be given all the shirts he hated.

O-Barry didn't say anything else as he left the guest room, closing the door behind him. Barry sighed and sat down on the bed. He absently started looking through the small basket of his clothes. It was strange. They still felt like his. They had always been his, yet here he was, being _given_ them by another version of himself. It felt strange to have someone else _giving_ him his clothes back, as if they were some sort of gift.

Barry's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he came across a particular plaid shirt. He stared at it for a moment before setting it aside. O-Barry must have given it to him by mistake. But then he came across another particular shirt. And then another.

"What is this?" Barry demanded, walking into his—O-Barry's room.

O-Barry glanced up from where he was working on a report at his desk.

"It's a shirt," he said flatly.

"It's not just a shirt, and we both know it," Barry said firmly, "It's what I wore to Iris's graduation. And this."

Barry held up a sweater.

"First day at the CCPD."

He threw it down on O Barry's bed before holding up another article of clothing.

"Eddie's funeral," he gritted, "The day I discovered my powers. Earth 2 Barry's undershirt. College graduation day. First date with Patty. The day dad got out of prison."

He threw all the clothes down on the bed.

"Why did you give me these?" he demanded.

O-Barry sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"I didn't want to give you a bunch of meaningless clothes," he said, "I…I thought I'd give you some of our favorites."

" _Why_?" Barry asked in confusion, "You hate me. We both hate each other. Why would you do that?"

"I don't hate you," O-Barry said softly.

Barry stared at him.

"I don't understand you," he said after a moment, "I _should_ , considering how we practically have the same mind, but…I don't get it."

O-Barry didn't say anything. He just kept giving him the same sad look. Barry suddenly understood then.

"Iris told you," he said quietly.

O-Barry nodded.

"I'm not mad," he said, "Well, okay, I'm a little mad, but not as much as I was at first."

"Don't," Barry said angrily, "Just be mad at me."

O-Barry looked at him confusion.

"What?"

"I'd rather you be mad at me than do what you're doing now," Barry said angrily.

"What do you mean?" O-Barry asked in confusion.

"You're _pitying_ me," Barry spat, "You're pitying me and my pathetic attempt to get Iris to love me. I don't want your _pity_ , so just be mad at me, dammit."

O-Barry sighed and ran a hand over his face.

"I can't be mad," he said, "Not really. Not when I know I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. She's the love of our life, after all. We've waited our whole life to be with her, and now after all that waiting…"

"Don't," Barry said angrily, "Don't feel _guilty_. Don't feel _sorry_ for me. Just be happy. Just be happy you got the girl. Gloat about it. Rub my ugly face in it. Just don't feel _bad_ about it."

"Why?" O-Barry asked quietly.

"Because it makes it easier for me to hate you!" Barry cried, tears welling in his eyes, "I can't hate you if you sit here and _feel bad_ about it. I can't hate you if you start being kind to me just to ease your own guilt."

"You'd really rather I be mean to you?" O-Barry asked sadly.

"Yes," Barry choked, "It'd be so much easier than this. Hating you is so much easier than _resenting_ you. You and your damn pity."

"Barry," O-Barry said softly.

"Don't you mean 'Thomas?'" Barry sobbed, "It's my fucking name now, so you might as well just call me by it."

"I'm not going to call you Thomas," O-Barry said quietly, walking over to him to put his hands on his shoulders.

Barry looked at the floor, his eyes blurry with tears.

"I don't know what to do," he sobbed, gripping O-Barry's arm, "I don't know who I am now. I…I just feel so lost."

O-Barry pulled him into a hug then, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

"It's okay," he said softly, "I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you through it."

It was the last person Barry had been expecting to comfort him, but as he stood there, hugging his original self, he felt something that he hadn't been daring to let himself feel.

Hope.

* * *

**[1]     Barry's new middle name doesn't have anything to do with the comics. "Astor" literally means "God of Thunder," so I thought it was appropriate, even if the foreshadowing isn't exactly necessary for this story.**

* * *

 


	7. A Grain of Salt

* * *

**A Grain of Salt**

* * *

**Warning: Adult situation--non-graphic/canon-based**

* * *

"This is really nice," Iris said, watching Barry pour the glasses of wine for them.

"Staying in is so much better than going out," he sighed as he joined her on the couch.

"When you have jobs like ours, yes," Iris agreed with a small laugh.

They both knew it was more than their _jobs_ that was stressing them out, though. They really needed this. They needed this night alone together. Everyone was out of the house for the evening, and Barry and Iris would finally get the chance to get some alone time. If only they didn't have the same thing weighing heavily on their minds.

"Barry," Iris sighed after taking a sip of her wine, "When are we going to tell him? When are we going to tell your time remnant about us?"

"Iris," Barry said in a strained voice.

"He's going to find out about us eventually," she reasoned, "And I don't think he'll be surprised really. Hurt, yes, but I don't think it'll shock him that we're together now. I think he already suspects it."

"Yeah, I think so, too," Barry said quietly.

"So, why are we sneaking around?" Iris sighed, "We're all adults. We should just be open about it."

"Because I don't want to rub his face in it," Barry said softly, "I don't want to hurt him more than we already are."

Iris sighed.

"Yeah, I know," she whispered.

Barry let out a heavy sigh and slowly took the wine glass out her hand then, setting both their glasses on the table.

"I don't want to talk about my time remnant anymore," he said quietly, "I just want to enjoy this time with you."

Iris smiled as they leaned closer to each other.

"Good idea," she whispered before their lips met.

Barry deepened the kiss, bringing himself closer to her. Iris parted her lips slightly, sinking into the kiss. It was the first time Barry had kissed her this way, more than just the sweet, feather-light kiss they had shared on the porch together. It didn't feel new, though. She had experienced this kiss before.

With a different Barry.

Iris quickly pushed it from her mind, trying to focus on just this moment with _her_ Barry. This was the real Barry. He was the one she had promised to wait for, the one who had run home to her when he was ready.

Iris's mind cleared of her confusing thoughts when Barry gently laid her back on the couch. She was surprised by his boldness. She had hoped tonight would lead to this, but she had thought it would take more encouragement on her part to get Barry to make a move. She was pleasantly surprised, though, when Barry leaned over her on the couch, his hand on her thigh.

"Barry," Iris gasped as he continued to kiss her, hovering over her.

Butterflies filled her stomach. After waiting so long to be together, this was finally going to happen.

And then, somewhere in the back of her mind, Iris registered the clicking sound of a door opening. Before she knew what was happening, Barry was suddenly gone, disappearing in a flash of light as he raced to get rid of their glasses, replacing them with bottles of beer. He even set up an entire _chessboard_ , making their night appear far more casual and innocent than it was.

In an instant, her confident, sexy Barry was gone and was replaced with the shy, fumbling Barry Allen she had always known. If she wasn't so disappointed with the intrusion, Iris almost would have laughed as she watched Barry try to blow out the last candle before the front door fully opened.

"Joe, I thought you were work--"

Barry cut off midsentence when they both saw it wasn't Joe who had walked through the door. As awkward as that would have been, this was a thousand times more awkward.

"Barry," Iris said quietly.

Barry's time remnant stood in the doorway, a shocked look on his face.

"I thought you were at STAR Labs," Barry said nervously.

The time remnant stared at them a moment longer before giving himself a small shake, rearranging his facial expression.

"My plans changed," he said in a strained voice as he closed the front door, "I...I'm sorry. I'll just...go upstairs."

"Don't be silly, Barry," Iris said kindly to him, "You don't have to leave."

She gave Barry a pointed look, and he let out a small sigh.

"Yeah," he said reluctantly, "Have a beer. Sit with us."

The time remnant shook his head and looked at the floor. He didn't seem able to look at them.

"I'm sure you'd much rather enjoy your wine," he said quietly, a hint of bitterness in his voice.

Barry and Iris both flushed as the time remnant disappeared up the stairs and they heard the distant sound of his bedroom door closing. For a moment, neither of them said anything. After a few minutes had passed, Iris stood up with a sigh.

"I should go," she said softly.

"You don't have to," Barry whispered.

Iris glanced toward the stairs.

"I think I should," she said sadly, "That was...not how I wanted him to find out."

"Iris," Barry sighed, "He already knew. We haven't exactly been subtle about it. He had to have known already. We just caught him off guard. Please don't let this spoil our night."

"It's already spoiled," she said softly, "I can't...just _sit_ down here with you knowing he's here. It's just too..."

"Wrong," Barry finished for her, looking at the chess board on the table, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Iris sighed and knelt down to put a hand on his cheek.

"It's not your fault," she said firmly, "I know you think of his existence is your responsibility, but it's not. He's not just some mistake you made, Barry. He's a person, and while his presence complicates things, it's not something we should resent."

"But you do," Barry whispered, "You do resent him, don't you?"

Iris let out a heavy sigh.

"I resent the way he makes me _feel_ ," she clarified, "It's not his fault. It's not _your_ fault. It is what it is. I know things are going to be weird for a while, but hopefully with time, we'll move past all this."

"How?" Barry whispered, "How are we ever going to do that, Iris? How are we ever going to be happy together when you can barely look at me after my time remnant walks into the room?"

Iris lifted her eyes to meet his. She hadn't even noticed she had been looking at the floor this entire time.

"Barry, you know how confusing this is for me," she choked, "There are _two_ of you now. I love you, and I don't want to hurt you, but now I'm not given a choice. I _have_ to hurt you--one of you, at least."

"He's not me," Barry gritted, "Iris, _I'm_ Barry, not him."

"Bar, you and I both know by now that that isn't true," she said seriously, "I chose _you_ , okay? I'm with _you_. That doesn't make it any easier to break his heart, though."

Barry shook his head and looked down at the couch. She could see the frustration in his eyes. Barry was just as frustrated by their situation as the rest of them. Iris couldn't even imagine what this felt like for him--competing with himself. After years of waiting to be with her, he finally got what he wanted. They were dating. His time remnant was making it so difficult for them, though. Every time Barry won, it still felt like he lost.

"You should talk to him," Iris said sadly, "You should talk to him about us."

"I already did," Barry said immediately, "Sort of. He doesn't _want_ to talk about it, though. He wants to hate me. He doesn't want me to _comfort_ him. He broke down the other day, and I did everything I could to be there for him. I hugged him and told him it was going to be okay. I can tell, though...it didn't help him. He doesn't want comfort from another version of _himself_. He wants..."

"He wants comfort from us," Iris whispered, "From his family."

Barry nodded, not looking her in the eye.

"Barry, why didn't you tell me about that?" she asked quietly.

He didn't answer her, though. He just stared down at the couch cushion, a solemn look on his face.

"Why are you so against us getting close to him?" Iris asked gently, "What are you so afraid of, Barry?"

"You know that answer already," Barry said flatly.

Iris sighed.

"You don't want to be replaced," she said sadly.

Barry looked up at her then, and she immediately noticed the tears welling up in his eyes.

"You guys are the only family I have left," he choked, "My dad just died. You're all I have. I don't know what I'd do if..."

Iris sat back down on the couch and gently took his hand in her own, looking directly into his eyes.

"You're not going to lose us, Barry," she said firmly, " _Ever_. We would never abandon you, no matter what. You have nothing to worry about."

Barry gave her a watery smile at these words. Iris knew a part of him still worried about losing his loved ones, but she would work hard every day to ensure to him that he would never be alone.

They would always be there for him.

* * *

***Time Remnant Barry***

"What?" Barry said, after several moments had passed and the other man had yet to say anything.

Cisco jumped slightly and looked at him. The frown didn't quite leave his face, though.

"N-nothing," he said in a strained voice, "It looks...good."

Barry crossed his arms.

"Cisco, what _is_ it?" he demanded, "Just spit it out."

"It's nothing," Cisco assured him quickly, "It's just a bit...Well, don't you think it looks a little...dark?"

Barry frowned at him and turned back to the suit on display--the suit _he_ created. It was made of the same tripolymer material he always wore. Really, it was just like the original Flash suit, except it didn't have the lightning insignia, and it was a different color.

 

"It's blue," Barry said flatly, "What's wrong with that?"

Really, it was a dark blue, almost black. It wasn't truly black, though.

"Nothing," Cisco said quickly, "It looks great, man. I just never really saw this as your color, that's all."

"It's patriotic," Barry shrugged, "I thought it would go with the red. Primary colors and all."

Cisco nodded, a thoughtful look on his face as he turned back to the suit.

"Right," he said quietly, "I guess that makes sense."

Cisco gave himself a small shake then and clapped Barry on the shoulder, grinning at him.

"At least you have a suit to call your own now," he said happily, "Welcome back to the team, man."

Barry's lips twitched slightly. Although he was ecstatic to have something that was truly his, it didn't feel right to be _welcomed_ back into a team he had been a part of for two years.

"Thanks, Cisco."

* * *

Barry was trying. He was trying so hard to keep his eyes glued to the screen. He listened to the movie with rapt attention, trying a little too hard to follow the plot-line.

It was all going right over his head, though.

It was hard not to have his focused pulled when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Unable to stop himself, Barry stole a furtive glance at the couple next him. Iris had just shifted under O-Barry's arm, wrapping it around her so she could lean her head on his chest.

Barry's gut clenched. He would never know that feeling. He would never have Iris, cuddling up on the couch next to him during movie night. He would only ever have that one kiss with her. That one memory. A memory that was tainted by her stomping on his heart afterwards. Beyond that, he would only get to observe with longing and wonder. He would be an outsider looking in, witnessing from a distance what could have been.

What _would_ have been.

Barry's heart jolted when the other Barry glanced at him. He quickly returned his eyes to the screen, but he knew O-Barry had seen him staring at them. This was confirmed when a moment later, O-Barry shifted, reaching awkwardly for his mug on the coffee table, forcing him and Iris to separate. Barry kept his eyes glued to screen, pretending not to notice them, trying so hard not to look at them again. He couldn't stop himself from hearing Iris's frustrated sigh, though.

Iris and O-Barry didn't touch again after that.

Not that Barry looked at them again anyways.

* * *

Barry never felt more alone in his life. He never felt more abandoned than he did now--forsaken by the ones he loved. Physically, they were there for him. He was living with them and spending time with them, but emotionally...

It seemed that the more time he spent with them, the more alone he felt.

The hardest part was that he still loved them with all his heart. Barry would die for them. He'd lay down his life in second for any one of them. He _had_ laid down his life for them, and even though he survived it, Barry still gave up his life for them in the end. He had given up everything for them, and in return, he got nothing. He got this.

He was shunned. He was an outcast in their eyes. A _nuisance._

It almost would have been easier if they had just shunned him completely. The fact that they were actually _trying_ was almost worse. It would have been easier if they had just told him to get lost. That would have been easier to accept.

What was harder was knowing that they were trying to love and accept him, but they simply couldn't--not completely. He was unlovable. Even when people _tried_ to accept him, they couldn't.

It would have been easier if they didn't try.

"Alright, dude, I got six different bags of chips," Cisco laughed as he sat down on the couch next to him, "Even someone with your metabolism should be set for the night."

Barry gave him a small smile as he sat down on Cisco's couch. He really appreciated that Cisco was doing this. Barry had been somewhat shocked when Cisco had asked him to watch Wrath of Con with him tonight. They had already watched it six times together now, but Barry didn't care. He'd watch it a million more times just to get this feeling of normalcy. It felt like a normal bro night, and it was exactly what Barry needed right now.

As they watched the movie together and made jokes and laughed at certain scenes, Barry forgot. He forgot he was a time remnant. He forgot he was an outcast. He felt like Barry Allen again. It made him so happy he could cry.

And when the movie ended, Cisco turned to him, like he always did.

"I have been and always shall be your friend," he said goofily.

Barry laughed and felt tears form in the corners of his eyes. He quickly held them back, though. He didn't want to get all emotional in front of Cisco.

"Thanks, man," Barry whispered, a lump in his throat.

Cisco clapped him on the shoulder and stood up then.

"I'll be right back," he laughed, "I'm going to run to the bathroom and then grab us a few more beers."

Barry laughed and nodded.

As Cisco left the room, Barry leaned back on the couch with a sigh. He hadn't felt this good--this _normal--_ since he had first woken up and been told he was a time remnant. Barry wiped a tear from his eye. Cisco would never understand how much this night meant to him.

Barry was pulled from his thoughts when he heard Cisco's phone vibrate from the coffee table. He glanced at it briefly. He didn't mean to pry or invade Cisco's privacy, but once he saw who the message was from, Barry couldn't help but read it.

 **Barry Allen** : _Sorry about ditching you tonight. Bro night next week?_

Barry felt like he had been hit in the gut.

He had been Cisco's second pick. Cisco had only asked him to have a movie night after the original Barry had turned him down. Barry felt the lump in his throat grow, except it wasn't from happiness anymore.

He knew he shouldn't have, but Barry couldn't help it. He unlocked Cisco's phone and read through the whole conversation then.

 **Cisco:** _Wrath of Con tonight?_

 **Barry:** _Can't, sorry! I'm taking Iris to Benevento's tonight. Raincheck?_

 **Cisco:** _Dude, what happened to bros before hoes?_

 **Barry:** _I made this reservation a week in advance._

 **Barry:** _And don't ever call Iris a ho :P_

 **Cisco:** _lmao sorry! Guess I'll watch it by myself then :(_

 **Barry:** _Why don't you ask my remnant? He needs to get out of the house for a while and I'm sure he'd love it._

 **Cisco:** _Idk it might be weird..._

 **Barry:** _It's still sort of like hanging out with me lol_

 **Barry:** _Besides, it'd be nice to not have him hovering when we come home tonight._

 **Cisco:** _Haha you need to get your own place man!_

 **Barry:** _I think Joe would agree with you lol seriously tho just ask him to hang out tonight. He could really use a friend right now..._

 **Cisco:** _Ok Ill ask him_

Barry didn't even realize he had tears in his eyes until he set the phone back down. He quickly wiped them away when he heard Cisco reentering the room, a couple beers in hand.

"Dude, with your metabolism, you're going to end up drinking all my beer," he joked.

"Sorry," Barry said softly, forcing a small smile.

Cisco frown at him, getting a closer look at his face and his watery eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asked immediately.

"N-nothing," Barry said quickly, "Sorry, it's nothing. My eye is still healing, and I get bad headaches sometimes. It's nothing."

"You should talk to Caitlin about that," Cisco said, frowning in concern, "She said you should be fully healed by now."

Barry nodded without saying anything. His stomach was still churning terribly. He took a sip of the beer Cisco had handed, but it tasted like ash in his mouth.

"So, what next?" Cisco asked, clapping his hands together, "Up for some Halo?"

Barry took a moment to swallow and slowly set his beer on the coffee table.

"Actually," he said quietly, "I think I'm going to head home for the night. I...I don't think I'm up for any video games with this headache."

Cisco frowned at him.

"Are you sure?" he asked, "We don't have to play video games. We could do something else."

Barry shook his head.

"No, I think I'm just going to turn in for the night," he said, "Sorry. We...we should do this again sometime, though."

To his surprise, Cisco grinned at him.

"Definitely," he agreed, clapping Barry on the shoulder.

Barry gazed back at him with watery eyes. Did Cisco mean it? Did he actually enjoy spending time with him? Barry wanted more than anything to believe it, but he didn't fully trust Cisco's words. He had learned by now to take everything they all said with a grain of salt. He questioned everything. Every smile. Every friendly gesture.

He never knew what was real.

Was his friendship with Cisco still real? Or was it artificial? His family. Team Flash. They were all just spewing kind words to him. They didn't truly care about him.

"Goodnight, Cisco," Barry whispered, standing up from the couch.

"Night, man," Cisco grinned, "Hope you feel better. And don't forget what I said about going to Caitlin for those headaches."

"Mmm," Barry hummed in reply, heading for the door.

He left as fast as he could without running, leaving behind a full beer.

* * *

Barry didn't know where to go. He couldn't go home. He couldn't stand to walk in on Iris and the original Barry again. He didn't think he could stomach it, and they certainly didn't want him there. He didn't need to give them more reason to resent him.

So he ran. He ran without any true destination in mind.

It wasn't until he was crossing the boundaries of Central City that Barry realized where his feet were carrying him.

Star City.

* * *

 


	8. Normalcy

* * *

**Normalcy**

* * *

Barry didn't know what he was doing. Why was he in Star City? What purpose did this serve? He knew from experience that running away from his problems never solved anything. It wasn't like he was any less of a time remnant here than he was in Central City. Being here wouldn't change anything. His problems would only follow him.

Despite his lack of confidence in his actions, Barry didn't really think twice about rushing into the Arrow cave. He didn't care if he didn't have a viable reason for being here. He just needed to see a friendly face.

"Barry!" Felicity groaned as her papers flew everywhere, "What have I told you?! A ten second incoming call at the very least, _please_!"

"Sorry," Barry said quietly.

Felicity sighed and looked up from her papers. As soon as her eyes landed on his face, they instantly widened in shock. Her scattered papers went completely forgotten.

"Oh...oh my God," she whispered, slowly standing up from her chair.

Barry winced at her reaction and couldn't help but turn his head slightly to the side in a feeble attempt to hide the damage.

"I know," he said quietly, "I know it's...bad."

Felicity quickly crossed the room to approach him. She hesitated slightly before reaching up to his face, gently turning it so she could see better. Barry's stomach churned with the action, but he didn't protest. He simply stood there, unable to look her in the eye as she assessed the damage with a heartbroken expression on her face. It seemed like an eternity to him before she finally spoke.

"What...what happened?" Felicity whispered, tears forming in her eyes.

Barry's eyes widened.

"You mean...?" he stammered, "They didn't...?"

Barry's heartrate picked up. No one from Team Flash had told them? Oliver, Felicity, Dig...none of them even knew he existed. No one from STAR Labs even bothered to mention his existence to them. For a brief moment, Barry was saddened with this revelation, but then his stomach swooped in anticipation, his sadness being replaced with a new feeling he hadn't experienced much of lately: Hope.

"Was it Zoom?" Felicity asked tearfully, breaking Barry away from his train of thought.

Barry opened and closed his mouth a few times before slowly nodding.

"It's kind of a long story," he said quietly, "I...I had to run at unsafe speeds to stop him. This was the result."

Felicity slowly shook her head and wiped a tear from her eye.

"I'm so sorry, Barry," she choked.

Barry shook his head.

"It's a small price to pay for defeating Zoom," he said quietly, "There are...greater sacrifices I could have made."

Felicity sniffled and then pulled him into an unexpected hug.

"You're such a good person, Barry," she said into his ear, hugging him tightly, "You didn't deserve this."

Barry hesitated briefly before slowly reaching his arms up to hug her back. He felt a swirl of guilt pool in his gut. He should tell her. He should tell her he's a time remnant. She was going to find out eventually, anyways. Not telling her didn't do anyone any good.

But it felt so good.

It felt so good to have someone see him as _him_ , as the original. He _was_ still Barry Allen. He was still the same person, and now he finally had opportunity to show that. Team Arrow would eventually learn he was a time remnant, but before that happened...he could show them he was still Barry. This was the opportunity he needed. If he could convince them he was still Barry _before_ they learned who he really was, things could be so different here than they were in Central City.

He could be Barry Allen again. At least in _their_ eyes.

When Barry and Felicity broke apart, Barry quickly wiped the wetness from his eyes. Felicity gave him a sympathetic look. At least she didn't find it strange that he was crying, considering the state of his face.

"I'm fine," Barry sniffled, managing a watery smile, "I'm just so glad to be here."

"Central City was too much for you?" Felicity asked sadly.

Barry nodded.

"Something like that," he muttered.

"Let me guess," Felicity said gently, "Your family's been smothering you."

Barry let out a heavy sigh as he nodded. Really, though, it was the _opposite_ problem. His family wasn't smothering him and trying to help him cope with the loss of his father or his injuries from Zoom. His family wasn't trying to be too close to him at _all_. They were pulling _away_ from him.

"I just needed to get away from everyone for a while," Barry sighed, "I don't really know why I came here. I guess I just thought I could take a break from it all here."

"You know you're always welcome here, Barry," Felicity said gently, "But I don't know if running is the answer."

Barry shook his head.

"I'm not running," he denied, "I just need to rest, to be around people who don't treat me differently after everything that happened with Zoom."

"What about Zoom?," Dig's voice came from the doorway as he and Oliver walked in.

Barry and Felicity turned to look at the other men, and both men paused in their tracks as soon as their eyes landed on Barry's face.

"My God," Dig whispered.

"What happened, Barry?" Oliver asked, an anguished expression on his face.

Barry gave them a small smile and shook his head.

"Just a little accident in my fight with Zoom," he said quickly, "It looks worse than it is, and I'm fully healed now--aside from the scarring--so don't worry. I'm completely fine."

He truly was fine, as far as his face was concerned. In Central City, his face bothered him pretty much every moment of the day, but here, it was different. Here, he wasn't some half-blind time remnant with a fucked up face. To them, he was _Barry Allen_ with a few nasty scars. To them, he was still the same person underneath the marred skin. Even with his grotesque appearance, they _saw him_. They saw Barry. And that, that made all the difference. It made his scars bearable to wear.

Sensing that he didn't want to talk about his scars, Oliver didn't press the issue. Instead, he walked up to Barry and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry about your dad," he said quietly.

Barry swallowed back the lump in his throat and nodded, his lips twitching slightly.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Oliver gave him a sad smile and removed his hand from his shoulder.

"So, what brings you to Star City?"

Barry was thankful for the change of subject. As much as he appreciated someone finally acknowledging that he was grieving his dad _too_ , he didn't come here to dwell on everything that had happened with Zoom.

"I was just wondering..." Barry said, rubbing the back of his neck, "If I could stay for a few days. Help out with Team Arrow stuff?"

A small wrinkle formed on Oliver's forehead as he looked at Barry, trying to understand his actions. He seemed to understand, though, that whatever Barry's reason for coming here was, he really needed the getaway. For that reason, Oliver didn't protest against it or further question it.

"Sure," he said, giving Barry a warm smile, "On one condition: you have to train with me."

Barry's face split into a wide grin.

"It would be a privilege," he said happily.

And so he stayed in Star City that night, using a spare room in the mansion. Oliver and the others were very accommodating. They didn't pressure him to talk or ask him how long he planned to stay. He supposed he had his face to thank for that. They seemed to understand that he had been through a lot and he had come here to escape from it. They didn't press him. Instead, they gave him the very thing he had been craving for weeks.

Normalcy.

And Barry couldn't be happier. For the first time in weeks, he was happy. He knew it wouldn't last forever, but he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.

Barry trained with Oliver during the days and went on patrol with him at night. It felt good to use his powers to protect people again, even if it wasn't his city that he was protecting. He was careful not to overstep his bounds, though, letting Oliver take the lead most of the time. It was his city, after all, and Barry didn't want to overstay his welcome by overriding Oliver's authority.

He wondered in passing if O Barry had something to do with his new passive attitude. He had grown so used to be in the shadows over the last couple weeks, and he found that his confidence had suffered for it. With all the power he possessed, Barry now felt subordinate. He had the powers of a God, but he answered to others as if he were inferior.

Barry didn't mind, though. He didn't mind taking direction from Oliver. It just felt good to be running _for_ something again.

"So what's with the new suit?" Dig asked on Barry's third day in Star City.

Oliver and Felicity both gave him serious looks. It was clear by the expressions on their faces that they had all decided not to address the subject.

"Not that I don't like it or anything," Dig said quickly, "I was just wondering why you changed the color."

Barry smiled and shook his head.

"I just needed a change, that's all," he shrugged, "My last suit was destroyed in my fight with Zoom, and it seemed like the right time to change it."

They all nodded silently, thoughtful looks occupying their faces. Barry knew what they must be thinking. His suit _did_ look dark, and now that he thought about it, it looked fairly similar to the suit Zoom wore.

"The dark blue is better for suburban camouflage," Barry joked, giving Oliver a small smile, "Much better than red or green."

Oliver's lips twitched with these words. He opened his mouth to say something but was stopped when his phone started to buzz in his pocket. Oliver pulled it out to glance at the caller ID. When he saw who was calling, his body seemed to turn to stone.

Barry Allen.

Oliver looked up at Barry in confusion.

"Who is it?" Felicity asked curiously, sensing Oliver's change in demeanor.

Oliver looked back down at the phone in confusion. Why was he getting a call from Barry's phone when Barry was right in front of him? There was only one way to find out. Oliver hit accept on the call.

"Hello?"

"Oliver," Barry's voice said urgently from the other line, "It's Barry."

Oliver's blood ran cold when he looked up at the Barry standing right in front of him, his mind running a mile a minute. What was happening? How could Barry be calling him when he was standing right in front of him? Was one an imposter? A metahuman in disguise? A _villain_ in disguise? Oliver's eyes raked over the dark suit Barry was wearing and the scars marring his face. His heart instantly began hammering in his chest. Who was this man?

"I think I have a problem," Barry said over the phone.

Even though his mind was racing, Oliver kept a cool demeanor. He controlled his facial expressions, trying not to give anything away to the others standing in the room until he knew exactly what was going on here.

"I need to take this," he muttered to the group.

With that, he quickly walked to the other side of the room, well out of earshot but keeping a visual on the Barry that was with them, the Barry that had _been_ with them for the last _three days_.

"What's going on?" Oliver demanded as soon as he was out of earshot.

"I made a mistake," Barry rambled quickly, "When I was in my fight with Zoom, I created a time remnant to defeat him. It worked, and we won the fight, but then we were stuck with this time remnant here, and now the time remnant's gone, and we have no idea where he could be. We assumed he was just going out, doing his own thing, but we just realized now that none of us have seen him for days, and we've been scouring the city for him with no luck. We have no idea where he is or what he may be doing, and it's important that we find him. We were wondering if we could get Felicity's help with locating him using your facial rec--"

"Hang on, Barry," Oliver cut in, "Slow down. You're not making any sense. What the hell is a _time remnant_?"

Through the phone, Oliver heard Barry take in a deep, steadying breath.

"He's another version of me," he explained, speaking slower, "He's a duplicate copy of me that's created when I run back in time. We used him to defeat Zoom, but now he's here, running around somewhere in Central City with _my_ face, and God only knows what he's doing. We need to find him right away, and we were hoping your team could help us."

Oliver stood frozen for a minute, taking in everything Barry had just said. He turned his gaze to the other side of the room, where Barry was standing and talking to Dig and Felicity, laughing at something one of them had just said.

"So, a time remnant," Oliver said slowly into the phone, "It's just a copy of you? An...imitation?"

"More or less, yeah," Barry sighed, "Sort of like a clone of me."

"But it's still you," Oliver pressed, "The time remnant would still be you. He would still talk and act like you, have your memories?"

"Yeah," Barry said quietly, "Sort of. It's...complicated. So can you help us?"

Oliver stared at the Barry on the other side of the room. Aside from his scars and the dark suit, everything about him seemed just like the Barry Allen he had always known. He still laughed, talked, and joked around the same way Barry always did. He had trained with him, gone out on patrol with him, and hung out with the team just like any other time Barry had visited Star City.

He was Barry.

But some things were different. This Barry was guarded, more closed off. He was scarred, not just physically, but emotionally. Oliver had assumed Barry's walls had been put up because of everything that happened with Zoom and his father. He had accepted that Barry's behavior was justified, considering the circumstances, but now he was just beginning to fully understand what those circumstances were.

Everything made so much more sense now.

"Yeah," Oliver said slowly, "I can help you. He's...standing in front of me right now."

There was a shocked pause on the other side of the phone.

"He's _there_?!" Barry asked, "He's with you right now?!"

"Yes," Oliver said quietly, still staring at the Barry Allen in front of him, "He's been here for three days."

"Oh, my God," Barry sighed in relief, "We were so worried! We didn't know what he was doing or where he was all this time. We were imagining the worse! What the hell is he doing there?!"

"I don't know," Oliver said quietly, "But I have my guesses."

"Okay," Barry said quickly, "Just keep him calm for now. I'll run over right away. I should be there in fifteen minutes."

"Okay," Oliver said quietly, still staring at the Barry in front of him, "I'll see you soon."

As Oliver hung up the phone, he took a deep, steadying breath, trying to calm himself as he processed everything he had just learned. The Barry he had just spent the last three days with, training and patrolling the city, wasn't really Barry at all. Oliver slowly shook his head. No. That wasn't true. He _was_ Barry. Oliver knew that in his heart. The man in front of him was his friend. He was the same Barry he had always known.

Oliver did the best he could to rearrange his face, taking up a calm, unaffected façade before rejoining the group.

"Who was it?" Barry asked curiously when Oliver approached them.

"Just work stuff," Oliver shrugged, "Nothing important."

Thankfully, Barry didn't seem to notice anything off in Oliver's voice. He simply shrugged and then his face broke into a wide grin that made Oliver's heart clench. He really was Barry, wasn't he?

"I was thinking we could do some training out in the field today," Barry said excitedly, "And if I manage not to get shot in the back this time, we can grab a bite to eat before we go out on patrol."

Oliver's lips twitched but didn't quite meet his eyes. He understood now. At first, he was confused why Barry was so hell-bent on training and patrolling with him these past three days when he had his own city to protect, but now Oliver knew why.

Barry didn't have anywhere else to go.

He didn't _belong_ anywhere. He didn't have anything that was truly his anymore. He just wanted to be a part of something again, and Team Arrow was the next best thing to his own team. At first, this made Oliver's heart clench in sorrow for his friend, and then that feeling was quickly replaced by white-hot rage.

What was Team Flash _doing_?! This man was clearly still Barry underneath all his scars, so why wasn't he with his own team?! What caused him to feel like the only place he could come and be himself was Star City? What did they say or do to him to make him feel the need to reach out to _Oliver_ for companionship? He and Barry had always been close, but Oliver wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy. Yet, Barry had come running to _him_ for comfort. When all else failed, when he couldn't go to the people closest to him, Barry had come running to Oliver.

"Yeah, Barry," Oliver said, trying to keep the sadness out of his voice, "That sounds like a good plan."

"Great," Barry grinned at him, "I'm going to go stock up on calories then. I'll be back in a bit."

With that, Barry took off. And three minutes later, a different Barry flashed into the room.

One with a smooth face and a classic red suit.

* * *

  


	9. Love and Hate

* * *

**Warning: Suicide**

* * *

**Love and Hate**

* * *

"Where is he?!" Barry demanded urgently, looking around the Arrow cave, "Did he _leave_?!"

"Barry," Felicity said in shock, staring at him with wide eyes, "Your...your face, it's not..."

"Oliver," Barry said seriously, ignoring her, "Where did he go?"

"He went to go restock on calories," Oliver said calmly.

"I told you to keep him here," Barry said in frustration.

"Is someone going to tell us what the hell is going on?!" Dig asked loudly.

Oliver took in a deep breath and started to explain.

"Barry accidentally made a copy of himself by running back in time," he summarized.

Felicity's eyes widened in understanding then.

"Like an aberration?" she asked seriously.

Barry nodded.

"It's called a time remnant," he said.

Felicity nodded in understanding, her eyes wide. Dig, however, still looked confused.

"A copy of yourself?" he asked, "How the hell did you do that?!"

"It's complicated," Barry said impatiently, "Long story short, the guy who's been here with you the last few days wasn't me. He was my time remnant."

Barry turned to Oliver then.

"Why did you let him leave?" he asked seriously, "I've been running myself ragged trying to find him, and I specifically asked you to keep him here until I got here."

"I thought it best he not be here for this conversation," Oliver said calmly.

Barry's eyebrows furrowed slightly.

"What do you mean?" he asked, "I already explained it to you. What more is there to talk about?"

Oliver's hands clenched into fists.

"You have some more explaining to do, Barry," he said seriously, "You need to explain to us why he's here."

" _You_ tell _me_ ," Barry said incredulously, shaking his head, "I have no idea why he came here."

"He's _here_ ," Oliver gritted, "Because he needed to see a friendly face. He's _here_ because he felt like he had no other place to go. Now I want _you_ to explain to _me_ why he felt that way."

Barry blinked at him.

"He _does_ have a place to go," he said in confusion, "He's been living with us. It's not like we kicked him out of the house, Oliver."

"No, just out of your hearts," Oliver muttered.

Barry shook his head in confusion.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Barry, he's been here only three days, and even _I_ can see how emotionally damaged he is," Oliver said seriously, "How have you guys been _treating_ him?"

Barry shook his head, his mouth a thin line.

"We've been nothing but kind to him," he said defensively, "We've welcomed him into our family and our team. We've been doing the best we can with the situation."

"Well, you need to do _better_ ," Oliver said angrily, "Whatever's been going on that drove him here, it's not okay, Barry."

"I'm sorry he came here," Barry said sincerely, "I didn't mean to drag you guys into this mess. I'm here to take him home."

"That's not what you should be apologizing for," Oliver said seriously.

"Well, what the hell should I be apologizing for then?!" Barry asked angrily, "For creating him? Because trust me, no one regrets that more than me. I made a _mistake_."

"That!" Oliver said, pointing a finger at him, "That right there! That attitude. That's what drove him here. You treating him like he's a mistake."

"He _is_ a mistake!" Barry said incredulously, "Everyone knows that, _including him_. He even said it himself. Honestly, why do you even care about this? This doesn't involve you."

"It does," Oliver gritted, "It involves me because it involves my friend."

Barry stared at him, a shocked look on his face.

" _I'm_ your friend," he said seriously, " _I'm_ Barry Allen."

"So is he!" Oliver snapped, "And he deserves to be treated like it."

"Like I said," Barry gritted, his hands balling into fists, "We've been treating him with nothing but kindness."

"But you haven't been treating him like Barry Allen," Oliver persisted, "Kindness only goes so far. You've been kind to him, but you haven't _accepted_ him."

"Well, he's not easy to accept!" Barry shouted furiously, "How would _you_ feel, Oliver, if you suddenly had another version of yourself hanging around? If there was another Oliver standing in this room right now, trying to be you, would _you_ accept it?!"

Oliver took a deep breath, trying to calm himself.

"I understand where you're coming from, Barry," he said calmly, "I know the situation is far from simple, but you need to handle it better. You need to be careful."

Barry gave him a confused look.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"The more you treat someone like your enemy," Oliver said seriously, "The more you _make_ them your enemy."

Barry stubbornly shook his head.

"I'm not treating him like an enemy," he said angrily, "I've _accepted_ him. We've welcomed him into our home and our lives. We've shown him nothing but kindness."

"But you've been competing with him," Oliver said knowingly, "Whether you've meant to or not, you've been competing with him, pinning him against you. I know it's hard, but you need to fight that urge. You need to stop seeing him as a copy of yourself that you need to suppress."

"He shouldn't even _be_ here!" Barry shouted, finally unleashing his rage, "He shouldn't even _exist_! For weeks now, I've been trying so hard to coexist with him, but I can't! I can't take it anymore! I just want him _gone_! I want him out of my life! We _all_ do! No one will say it out loud now, but all of us know that it would have been better if he had died!"

Oliver glared at Barry, his blood beginning to boil with rage. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off by a small voice from the doorway.

"I know."

They all looked up in shock to see the other Barry standing there, his eyes swimming with tears as he looked at the original Barry.

"I know I should have died," he said softly, "I...I know."

O Barry let out a heavy sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Barry," he sighed, "You know I didn't--"

"Don't say you didn't mean it," Barry said quietly, "I know you do. It's not exactly the first time you've said it."

"Barry," Oliver said gently, stepping towards the time remnant, "It's okay. We all just need to calm down a little. Talk this out. I know the situation is complicated, but--"

"The _situation_ ," Barry said, "Is me. My existence. The problem is me."

"No, Barry," Oliver said firmly, "It's not. You're not a mistake."

Barry smiled sadly and shook his head.

"Yes, I am," he whispered, "I've known that from the start. I just thought it was a mistake that could be fixed. I thought it was something we could learn to live with."

He let out a heavy sigh.

"But I was wrong, wasn't I?" he asked sadly, "I don't belong here."

"That's not true," Oliver said angrily, "You _do_ belong here, Barry, and if they can't make room for you in Central City, then we'd be more than happy to have you here."

"I support that," Felicity said, stepping forward, "To us, you'll always be Barry Allen. You're welcome to stay here as long as you need."

Barry smiled and shook his head.

"Starling is _your_ city," he said quietly to Oliver, "And I can't tell you how much these last three days have meant to me, but I could never be truly happy here without my family and my team by my side."

They all stared at him, no one knowing what to say.

"I think it's time I go back to Central City," Barry whispered, "I'm sorry for bringing my problems here."

Before anyone could say anything, the time remnant suddenly took off, disappearing in a flash of light.

No one said anything for a moment. They stood there in silence, all of their stomachs churning. After a moment, Oliver turned towards the original Barry, his hands balled into fists.

"You need to fix this."

* * *

Barry brushed the tears away from his face as he ran, ran back to a city that no longer felt like home. For the first time in his life, Barry dreaded returning to Central City. He dreaded going home.

Because it wasn't really home anymore, was it? He had been trying so hard to cling to a life that wasn't truly his anymore. It had stopped being his the moment he ran back five minutes in time.

The thing about time travel was that if he had traveled back a year, he'd technically still be a time remnant, but he'd still have a timeline to return to. That wasn't his case now, though. His timeline had passed him by in a mere five minutes, and he now didn't have a time to return to anymore. He was stuck here, in a time that wasn't really his own, in a _life_ that wasn't really his own.

Barry could see that now. He would never have his life back, no matter how hard he tried.

Barry's stomach twisted when he was struck with a horrifying idea. If the other Barry, the "original" Barry, wasn't here, he could be the only Barry Allen again. Barry felt sickened with himself for thinking it, but it was true.

And now that he thought about it, the original Barry didn't seem to have any problem with _his_ death, so why should _he_ care about _him_? Why should Barry care about _his_ life?

No. What the hell was he thinking?! He didn't wish the other Barry dead! And he certainly didn't have any desire to _kill_ him!

Even if he wanted to, killing the original Barry wasn't an option for him. His family would _never_ forgive him if he killed their precious original. Even if they didn't know he was behind it, who was to say they would even accept him after the other Barry was gone? It would have been different if the original had been killed in his fight with Zoom, and he, as the time remnant, had been the lone survivor. They would have accepted him as the one true Barry, scars and all. They probably wouldn't have even seen him as a time remnant.

Hell, things may have even been different if he hadn't lost consciousness after his fight with Zoom, if he and the original had both been left standing and had both approached his family after the fight. They probably would have been on a more level playing field.

That wasn't the case, though.

He had been unconscious for three days, during which time they accepted the original Barry and he had solidified in their minds as just a copy. An _aberration_. It was easier and less complicated for them to see him that way, to declare one Barry valid and the other subordinate. They didn't see him as the true Barry, and sure, if the original was out of the picture, Barry would no doubt step in and take over his life, but that didn't mean he would be accepted. Not truly. Not _fully_. He would just be a sad replacement, an imitation to fill the void of the man they really loved as they mourned his death.

What was he doing?! Why was he even thinking about this?!

Barry would _never_ kill the original. He would never kill _anyone_. He wasn't a murderer. He was good person. He was a _hero_!

It scared him. Barry scared _himself_. He was terrified of the man he was becoming. He was terrified of the feelings that had been stirring in his heart--the changing feelings he had towards his family. He loved them with all his heart, which only festered into resentment when they rejected him. That resentment was reaching new limits every day. It was slowly manifesting into _hate_.

Barry didn't understand. How could he _hate_ them when he _loved_ them so much it hurt? The opposite of love wasn't hate, though. It was indifference. And Barry was so far from indifferent when it came to his loved ones. They were _everything_ to him. They were his _life._

But he didn't truly have a life anymore now. He didn't have _them._

Loving them was complicated and messy. Loving them was painful. Hate, however...

Love and hate...they were so close, it was easy to mistake one for the other.

* * *

The few days that passed after the time remnant returned back to Central City were uneventful. Everything went back to the way it was before. Barry's time remnant returned home and didn't speak about his time in Star City. He hardly spoke at _all_. He rarely left his room, even for meals, and when any of them spoke to him, he seemed guarded and closed off.

They didn't know what to make of it. They didn't know if he was just depressed or if he was _angry_ with them for some reason. He was impossible to read. All they knew was that something had shifted in him. Something in his demeanor had changed.

And it scared them.

"Barry?" Joe asked quietly, lightly tapping on the remnant's bedroom door.

"Come in," a soft voice replied.

Joe took a deep breath and opened the door. The other man was standing near the foot of his bed, folding some of his clothes.

"Hey," he said, giving Barry's remnant a small smile, "I just came to tell you dinner's ready. Are you joining us tonight?"

Barry sighed and shook his head, not looking up at Joe.

"I'm not very hungry," he said quietly.

Joe frowned at him, his eyes raking over his body, noticing the way his clothes hung loosely on him now. One look was all needed to confirm his suspicions that Barry's time remnant wasn't eating properly. It had only been a few days since he had returned from Star City, but with his fast metabolism, a few days was all it took for the weight loss to show. It was unsettling to see.

"We would really love it if you joined us, Barry," Joe pressed, "Just sit down and eat with us for a bit. Be a part of the family."

"I'm not, though," Barry whispered, shaking his head.

"Come on, Bar," Joe said sadly, "You know that's not true. You _are_ a part of our family."

"But I'm not," Barry sighed, "Not truly. I'm not trying to be dramatic, Joe. I'm just saying the truth. I don't belong here."

He didn't look at Joe as he spoke. He just continued folding his clothes. Joe furrowed his eyebrows when he got a closer look at the clothes stacked on Barry's bed. They weren't recently washed. Barry wasn't doing laundry. He was pulling the clothes from his closet.

He was packing.

"Where are you going, Barry?" Joe asked quietly, eyeing the clothes.

"I don't know, yet," Barry whispered, "I'll find out when I get there."

"You know you don't have to leave, right?" Joe said in a strained voice, "You can stay here with us."

He didn't know why he was saying this. Really, from the start, they all had been thinking things would be easier if this other version of Barry went off and lived his own life, but now, to see him packing...

It saddened Joe to see him leave.

"I can't stay here," Barry sighed, finally looking up at Joe, "I complicate all of your lives. I'm never truly going to be Barry again, and me still trying to be is just breaking all of our hearts. You guys _have_ a Barry in your lives already, and I just can't bear to keep living in his shadow. I can't keep living like this. My heart can't take much more."

"Barry, we're _trying_ ," Joe said in anguish, "We're doing everything we can to make you feel welcome here."

"I know you are," Barry said, giving Joe a sad smile, "And I wish that was enough, but it's not. It breaks my heart that you even have to _try_ to love me."

"We _do_ love you, Bar," Joe said desperately, "You may not be the original, but you're still Barry. We _love_ you."

"Not like before," Barry said calmly, "You don't love me the same way you did before, and that's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. If anything, it's mine. I've created an impossible situation for everyone, and it was foolish of me to ever think this could work. To think love would be enough. This is all on me and my own foolishness."

"You didn't ask to be created," Joe insisted, shaking his head.

"That's where you're wrong," Barry said, smiling sadly, "I created _myself_ , Joe. _I_ decided to create a time remnant. I'm just as responsible for this mistake as anyone. If anything, I'm _more_ responsible. I'm the one who did the running. I ran back those five minutes, not your Barry. That's what makes me the time remnant and him the original. I'm the one who doesn't belong in this timeline. I don't belong anywhere now."

"You belong _here_ ," Joe insisted.

Barry shook his head and silently continued packing his clothes. Joe's heart clenched as he watched him. He didn't understand why he was so sad. He wasn't losing Barry. The original Barry, _their_ Barry, was still here. It killed him though. It killed him to see _any_ version of Barry in this much pain. It was true that he couldn't get past seeing him as just a time remnant, but a part of this man was still Barry, and it killed Joe to know that they were the cause of his pain, that they were breaking his heart.

Joe let out a heavy sigh.

"Are you at least going to say goodbye to everyone before you leave?" he asked quietly.

Barry sighed and shook his head.

"I can't," he whispered, "If I do, I'm afraid I'll want to stay. I...I don't _want_ to leave, Joe, but I have to. I have to do what's best for everyone, including myself. This is the only choice I can make at this point."

"And there's nothing I can do to change your mind?"

Barry let out a small, humorless laugh.

"It would be easy for you to change my mind," he said, "But I don't want you to. I need this. I need to find...some peace. I know that what I'm doing is right. I'm making the right decision here, Joe."

Joe let out a heavy sigh.

He wished he could argue with Barry, tell him that wasn't true, but he couldn't. This _was_ the best decision, painful as it was. If the time remnant stayed here, they would only continue to hurt him. All their attempts to help him seemed to only make things worse.

It would be better for everyone if he left.

"Okay," Joe said quietly, "Okay, Bar. If...if this is what you truly want, I won't try to change your mind."

Barry nodded, not looking up from the clothes he was packing. Joe sighed and started heading for the door.

"Joe."

Joe turned around to look at the other man. Barry was looking up at him now, his eyes swimming with tears. He quickly crossed the room to wrap his arms around Joe, squeezing him tightly.

"Thank you," he whispered into Joe's ear, "Thank you for everything you've done for me. No one could have asked for a better dad."

Joe smiled as they pulled out of the hug. He was surprised by his own emotions when tears formed in his eyes as he clamped a hand down on Barry's shoulder.

"I hope wherever you go, you find happiness," he choked.

Barry's lips twitched sadly.

"I hope so, too," he whispered.

Joe nodded and removed his hand from Barry's shoulder

"I love you, Barry," he said, meaning every word.

"I love you, too," Barry whispered.

Joe gave him a sad smile before turning and leaving the room.

Barry let out a heavy sigh after Joe had left.

"That's why I'm so sorry," he whispered, "But I have to do this."

Barry moved back over to the bed and gathered up his clothes, neatly stacking them in a laundry basket. He lifted the basket in his arms and exited the guest room, making his way down the hallway to get to what used to be his bedroom. Barry sighed as he set the clothes down on O Barry's bed.

He wouldn't be needing them.

Barry then made his way to the bathroom. He went to the tub and started the water, his heart hammering in his chest.

He had thought this through. Over the last several days, Barry had considered all his options. He knew this wasn't his only choice. He knew he could just do what Joe thought he was going to do. He could leave. He could start a new life. Of course Barry had considered that option. He had considered _every_ scenario.

He had thought of all the places he could go. He could go back to Star City, be a part of Team Arrow, maybe even _permanently_. They would accept him there. At least, to an extent. How long until they grew tired of him, though? How long until Oliver got sick of Barry invading his space, his city? How long until he told him to scram? Oliver said he was welcome there, but Joe had said the same exact thing a moment ago. Yet, when he discovered Barry was leaving, he didn't object to it. He gave it a half-hearted fight, but in the end, he let Barry go.

It was because he wasn't truly wanted here. He wasn't truly wanted _anywhere_. Team Arrow was no different. Despite what they said, they didn't want some damaged time remnant around.

Barry had also considered going off on his own completely. Starting over. But how was he supposed to do that? He'd have to go somewhere where no one knew him, where no one would recognize him.

He would be alone.

He would have no one. He would have no money, no job, no family. No life. Barry was smart, though. He knew he'd be able to get by if he really wanted to. He knew his family would give him the money he needed to start a new life if he asked.

But that wasn't what he wanted.

Material possessions didn't matter to him. A place to live and a stable job meant nothing to him without his family by his side. As depressed and miserable he was being around them now, he knew he'd be even worse if he left. Leaving or staying, it made no difference. Either way, he had lost everything. His life was already gone. He was a ghost of a person, walking around, watching the life he had once had go on without him.

It was time for him to finally let it go.

**Major Trigger Warning--Graphic**

Barry's hands shook as he took apart the razor, removing one of its blades. His stomach twisted when he eyed the sharp edge.

He had spent hours thinking of ways to go about this. No matter which way he thought about it, Barry couldn't find a solution he was satisfied with. He had wanted to make it as easy on his family as possible. He certainly didn't want to do it in the house, where they'd find him. If it were up to him, he would go far out into the woods and put a bullet through his brain.

He couldn't do that, though. Someone else would eventually find him then. Police would be involved, and his body would be identified. It would raise too many questions. It would create a mess for his family to deal with.

No. As much as the thought sickened him, they had to be the ones to find the body.

Barry had thought of different ways he could end his life. A gun would be quickest, but it would leave a gory sight for his family to find. He had seen enough suicides through his work to know that gunshots were the worst. He couldn't imagine his family walking in to find his brain splattered on his bedroom walls. He wasn't going to do that to them.

Hanging would be less gory, but Barry had quickly dismissed that option. He had recovered from a broken spine before, so who was to say he wouldn't survive a broken neck? And as far as suffocation went, Barry's cells had immense oxygen capacity. It could literally take him _hours_ to die from suffocation. It would be a miserable way to go. Also, there was something so... _undignified_ about it. He had always seen hanging as a dishonorable way to die.

Then again, there was nothing dignified or honorable about suicide.

Tears streamed down Barry's face as he set up a couple photo frames on the edge of the tub. One was of him and his parents, the three of them together as a happy family, his mother's arms wrapped tightly around him. The other was of him with Joe and Iris, all three of them smiling happily, arms wrapped around each other as a family.

He glanced at the mirror then, at the stranger staring back at him. It wasn't him. Barry's heart ached as he looked at his reflection, at what he had become. He had always been so bright and happy, never letting the darkness in his life dim his soul. And now he was this. This dark, broken, damaged thing. Barry closed his eyes and looked away from the mirror. It wasn't just the scars. It was the sorrow in his eyes over what he was about to do. He didn't want to die. After everything he had been through, everything he had endured, he had never thought his life would come to this: to suicide.

In the end, Barry had decided to go with the razor. Bleeding out was his safest option if he wanted to be successful. He had thought it over. His body healed wounds and produced blood at a rapid rate, but he also had a faster heartrate than most. That meant blood would escape his body quicker, quick enough that no amount of hyperhealing could make up for it. It would still take a long time, though, longer than the average person.

It would go faster if he severed his carotid artery. If he did that, the blood flow to his brain would be immediately interrupted. He would lose consciousness in seconds, and it would take only a few minutes for him to die. He decided against it, though. It was too gruesome.

Granted, finding him in a tub of his own blood was still going to be traumatic for them.

At least they'd be able to drain the tub, though. The mess would be minimal, which was what Barry wanted. He wasn't doing this to spite them. He was doing this _for_ them. This was what they had wanted from the start, after all. When he first woke up from the fight with Zoom, they had asked him if he wanted to live or not. They had given him the choice to commit suicide. From the start, they had wanted him to die.

He had never stood a chance with them. He saw that now. He was already dead to them. He was dead to them the minute he became a time remnant, the minute he offered himself up as a pawn to use against Zoom. A measly pawn that was good for one thing: to be sacrificed. From the start, his job had been to die, and now he was going to fulfill that task.

Barry wasn't so dramatic as to think they would be _happy_ he was dead. He knew this was going to hurt them on some level, but he also knew a part of them would be relieved. His mistake would be fixed and they'd be free of this burden, free of _him_. Everyone could move on then.

The thought wasn't really a comfort to him as he climbed into the tub, still fully clothed. The idea of them moving on without him tore at his heart. He felt an intermingling of bittersweet emotions as he thought about O Barry. He'll be so happy to finally be rid of him. He'll finally be free to move on with Iris. The two of them will be so fucking happy together once he's gone.

Barry couldn't help but feel bitter. Some of that bitterness was for his family, for driving him to this, for not being able to see him as the man he was anymore, but most of it was for his original self. He could truly say, without any doubt now, that he hated the original Barry. He hated him more than he had ever thought himself capable of.

Which was another reason why he had to do this.

Barry's thoughts scared him. What he had been considering lately-- _murdering_ the other Barry--it terrified him. He was terrified those thoughts, those _feelings_ , would grow. Terrified that he would one day act on them. He was terrified of the man he was becoming, of the darkness that had crept into his heart. If he stayed here, if he lived, what kind of life would he lead? Deep down, he still loved his family, but how long would it take for that love to not be enough? For the hate to take over? He already _looked_ like a monster. How long would it take for him to _become_ one?

He wasn't going to wait to find out. He was going to do this now. He was going to die while he was still him, while he was still Barry Allen.

Barry's breath hitched uncontrollably as he brought the razor to his wrist. The blade hovered over his skin, his hands shaking terribly as tears streamed down his face.

He was scared.

He was afraid to die, afraid of what came after. He hadn't been raised to be religious. He was a scientist. He didn't know what his opinion of the afterlife was. Was there something waiting for him on the other side? Would his parents be there? After losing his parents, Barry had always needed to believe there was some sort of life after death. There had to be. The idea of there being nothing was unbearable to him.

The thought gave him courage. The thought of being reunited with his parents again gave him the courage to press down with the blade. He gritted his teeth as he dragged the razor across his skin. A gasp escaped his lips when the scarlet fluid immediately started to flow out of him. As he expected, his fast heartrate caused unfathomable amounts of blood to escape his body at a rapid rate. It gave him hope that this wouldn't take too long. Before he could start feeling dizzy, Barry took care of the other wrist, a small sob escaping his lips as he did so.

He set the razor down with shaky fingers and leaned back in the tub, relaxing his body in the warm water that was quickly changing from a light pink to a deep red. He didn't even feel dizzy yet, which wasn't a good sign. It meant his healing was kicking in. His body was rapidly producing more blood cells.

This was going to take a while.

It was a fully twenty minutes before Barry started to feel light-headed. The cuts on his wrists didn't even hurt anymore. There was no pain now. It felt like he was floating as the sleepiness set in.

It was peaceful.

Barry turned his head to look at the photographs he had set next to the tub. He stared at the photo of him with Joe and Iris, thinking back to the day it was taken. He had been so happy then, so carefree. It was before he got his powers. Before the Reverse Flash. Before Zoom. Before his father's death. Before he lost everything. He'd give anything to go back to that time, even for a day. A single tear slid down Barry's face as his eyes slid shut.

He let himself slip away.

* * *

**Savitar's story isn't over.**

**I am** **_not_ ** **trying to romanticize suicide with this scene. Life is a rare gift, granted to few. Why would you return that gift?**

**Suicide Hotline number: 1-800-273-8255**

* * *

  


	10. Two Sides of a Coin

* * *

**Two Sides of a Coin**

* * *

Joe's mind was reeling as they ate dinner together as a family. He couldn't pinpoint which emotion he was feeling after his conversation with Barry's time remnant. Sadness. Guilt. _Relief_. He was sad because that version of _Barry_ was sad, but he was also relieved. He was relieved because things were about to become so much simpler. The time remnant was leaving. They wouldn't have to try so hard anymore. They wouldn't have this burden hanging over them anymore. They could eat dinner as a family--him, Wally, Iris, and the real Barry--without feeling guilty about the time remnant lurking upstairs.

Joe _did_ feel guilty, though. He felt guilty about the fact that he was _relieved_. It just felt so wrong. The time remnant was going to go off and start his own life by himself. He was going to be completely alone. Barry never did well on his own. Even now, before leaving, the other Barry was already not taking care of himself. He wasn't eating, and he was holing himself up in his room.

Joe couldn't help but stare at the original Barry as they ate dinner. He was talking and laughing with everyone else as they enjoyed the family meal together, taking Iris's hand in his own under the table, thinking Joe didn't notice.

It was easier when he had this Barry in front of him. It was easier to forget about the time remnant and all those painful, confusing emotions. Joe _did_ feel bad about the time remnant, but it was easy to dismiss his guilt when his family was all right in front of him, healthy and happy.

Maybe it would just be better to forget and move on. It was easier than dwelling on things he couldn't change.

"It's getting late," Iris yawned, hours later when they had long since finished their meals, "Mind if I spend the night tonight? I don't feel like driving back to my apartment."

"As long as you stay in your old room," Joe said seriously.

"I will," Iris laughed, sharing a look with Barry, "I promise."

Joe let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes. Sometimes, being a human lie detector was nothing but a burden.

"I'm just going to go wash up before bed," Iris said tiredly.

She rose from her seat then and disappeared up the stairs. The others all followed suit, rising from the dining room table to turn in for the night. Joe and Barry were just beginning to collect everyone's dishes from the table when they heard a high-pitched scream from upstairs.

The two of them both shared a brief look of dread with each other before Barry flashed up the stairs, Joe running right behind him at a normal speed, taking the stairs two at a time. As he rushed down the upstairs hallway, Joe heard Wally shouting.

"Oh, my God!"

Joe quickly found the others to be standing in the doorway of the upstairs bathroom.

"What is it?" he asked urgently, pushing his way past them to see into the room.

When he did, his entire body froze in horror, ice flooding his veins.

Barry's time remnant was in the bath tub, fully clothed and submerged in bright red water.

"Oh, my God," Joe whispered, his eyes wide as he stared at the man.

Joe was frozen in place as Wally moved forward to press his fingers against Barry's neck.

"He doesn't have a pulse," Wally choked out to them, "His skin is ice cold."

"He's dead," Iris sobbed, tears already streaming down her face as she sank to the bathroom floor.

Joe couldn't move. He couldn't make his body respond or move into action. He couldn't mentally process the situation.

What was happening?! It didn't make any sense!

He had killed himself. Barry's time remnant had committed suicide.

"He said he was going to leave," Joe whispered after a long, silent pause, causing everyone to look at him, "I didn't think that meant..."

Oh God. He should have known! He was a cop. He should have saw the _signs_. He should have known something was terribly _wrong_ by the way Barry had been talking. He should have talked to him more, gotten through to him, insisted he stay there with them, insisted that he was _wanted_. Instead, Joe had just left. He had gone downstairs. For hours, they had been sitting downstairs, talking and eating, enjoying a family meal together while Barry had been dead upstairs the entire time. The thought made Joe feel like he was going to be sick.

Joe's stomach clenched as he stared at the man's face, at the tear lines still staining it. His eyes fell on the photos Barry had set up on the edge of the tub. He felt like he had been hit in the gut when he saw the one of their family.

His stomach churning, Joe looked back to see the original Barry still standing there, equally frozen in shock. Barry was staring down at his time remnant from the doorway, as if he was afraid to move further into the room. He looked like he was going to be sick. He looked even worse than Joe.

"Barry," Joe said softly.

Barry slowly tore his eyes away from the gory sight to meet Joe's.

"Caitlin," he whispered, "I'm going to take him to Caitlin."

"Barry, it's too late," Wally choked, "He's already cold. He's been dead for a while."

Barry sucked in a shaky breath, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. He turned away from them then to face the doorway, but not before Joe could see the tears forming in his eyes.

"Why would he do this?" Iris choked, wiping the tears from her face, "Why the hell would he _do_ this?!"

Joe turned his gaze back to the Barry in the tub, submerged in his own blood. Despite the goriness of the scene, Barry's eyes were closed. His face was peaceful, the only sign of anguish being the tear stains etched into it.

"Because he had nowhere else to go," Joe whispered, a lump forming in his throat, "Nothing left to live for."

"But he had _us_!" Iris cried, her breath hitching uncontrollably, "We were here for him!"

Joe looked down at the floor, his stomach twisting sickeningly. He knew that wasn't entirely true. They could have done better. They could have reached out to him more.

They could have treated him like Barry and not just a copy.

"I know we weren't as s-supportive as we could have been," Iris continued, sobs escaping her throat, "But we still _loved_ him. We still _cared_ for him!"

Joe sucked in a shaky breath, quickly wiping a few escaped tears from his face as he thought of what the time remnant had said to him just a few hours ago.

 _I wish love were enough_. _I wish you didn't have to_ try _to love me._

Joe felt like he could barely breathe as he braced himself against the bathroom counter. They had done this. They had driven the man to this. He never would have thought Barry capable of suicide, but this man _was_ Barry. At least, he was a version of him. Joe didn't understand how this could have happened, how _any_ version of Barry could have gotten that bad, bad enough that he saw _killing_ himself as the only way out.

They had failed him. They had failed to be there for him. They had failed to _love_ him. Barry was the most resilient person Joe knew. In the face of all the darkness in his life, Barry had always managed to walk in the light. He only did so, though, with the support of his loved ones. His family _was_ his life, and without them by his side, Barry didn't have a life worth living for. Without them, Barry would fall apart. Joe had always known that about him.

And this time remnant...he was now proof of that. Horrible, gut-wrenching proof.

Joe felt bile rise in his throat when he remembered that they had asked him to do this. In the beginning, when the time remnant was first created, they had asked him if he wanted to keep living or not. Now, standing here in this small bathroom, the heavy essence of death lingering in the air, Joe couldn't believe they could have ever wanted this. How could they have ever even considered this an _option_?! It was nauseating. It was _horrible_.

"Barry?" Joe asked, looking back at the original Barry in the doorway.

Barry didn't respond, though. He still had his back to them, where they couldn't see his face.

"Barry," Joe said a little louder.

Slowly, Barry turned around to look at him then. Joe was surprised to see that his face was calm and composed, despite his bloodshot, watery eyes.

"I'll take care of this," Barry whispered, his eyes flitting to his time remnant in the bloody bathtub, "I...I'll take care of the body."

"Barry," Joe choked, knowing immediately what Barry was doing, "It's okay to take a moment to process this. Another version of you just _killed_ himself."

Barry ignored him, though, taking a deep, steadying breath as he walked further into the room.

"I'll take him to STAR Labs," he said, barely managing to control the shakiness of his voice, "We'll keep him there until we decide what we should do with him."

"Barry," Iris sobbed, shaking her head in disbelief.

How could he be so calm right now? He was acting like he wasn't even affected by his time remnant's death.

Joe knew otherwise, though. He knew Barry was so far from unaffected by this.

"You should leave the room," Barry whispered, his voice barely audible, "I'm sorry you had to see this. I...I'm sorry about _all_ of this."

"Barry," Wally choked, "Are you sure you--?"

"I said leave!" Barry shouted, his hands clenching into fists, "All of you! I'll take care of this!"

The others all flinched at Barry's tone, but no one argued. Wally wrapped an arm around Iris, who was now sobbing uncontrollably. He led her from the room, looking like he was barely keeping it together himself. Neither of them had ever seen a gory sight like this. Barry and Joe were used to it, though, with their line of work. They had seen suicides before.

That didn't help them much this time, though, not under these circumstances. This was too personal, even if Barry was trying to pretend otherwise.

"You too, Joe," Barry said softly when Joe didn't leave the room.

Joe stubbornly shook his head.

"I'm going to help you with this, Bar," he said firmly.

"This is _my_ problem," Barry said angrily, "My burden to bear."

Joe sadly shook his head.

"He was never a burden, Barry," he said quietly, "He was a person."

Barry's jaw clenched as he looked away from Joe, trying to keep his emotions from showing on his face. Barry had never been good at that, though. Joe could see _all_ of them. Pain. Sorrow. Loss.

Guilt.

"Okay," Barry whispered after a moment, "You can help me."

Joe nodded and the two of them set to work.

They drained the tub.

* * *

Cisco and Caitlin were both working late night at STAR Labs when they got the call.

"Hey, Joe," Cisco answered in confusion when he saw his caller ID, "What's wrong?"

Not only was it late, but Joe never called him just talk. As much as Cisco liked Joe, he always had a horrible feeling in his gut when he saw Joe's caller ID pop up in his phone. When Joe called, it was never anything good.

"Something's happened," Joe said somberly over the phone, "Barry and I are on our way to STAR Labs right now."

"What happened?" Cisco asked, sharing a nervous glance with Caitlin.

She was sitting at the other side of the cortex desk from him, her eyes locked on him the moment he had answered the phone. She could tell just by the expression on his face that something was very wrong.

"It's Barry's time remnant," Joe said in a strained voice, "He...he killed himself."

Cisco's blood ran cold and the phone nearly slipped from his hand.

"He..." Cisco whispered.

"He's dead, Cisco," Joe choked.

Cisco sat, frozen in place with the phone pressed to his ear.

"Cisco?" Caitlin asked, rising from her chair to slowly approach him, "What is it? What's wrong?"

Cisco took a moment to swallow and suck in a strained breath before answering her.

"It's Barry," he choked, "His time remnant...he killed himself."

Caitlin's face went white as a sheet.

"W-what?" she whispered.

"How did he do it?" Cisco asked into the phone in anguish, "How did he...?"

"He cut his wrists," Joe said sadly, "It had to have been a few hours ago. By the time we found him, it was too late. There wasn't anything that could be done for him."

"B-but," Cisco stammered, "He's _Barry_. He's still _Barry_ deep down. Barry would never..."

"I don't think we'll ever fully understand what was running through his head," Joe said sadly, "...what he was feeling. I should have tried harder. I should have tried harder to understand him...to _be there_ for him."

Joe let out a shaky sigh.

"We're almost to STAR Labs," he said quietly, "We're going to keep him there until we decide..."

"Until we decide what to do with the body," Cisco finished for him, his stomach churning horribly.

He couldn't believe this was happening. He thought back to when he had last seen Barry's time remnant. He felt guilty when he realized he hadn't even seen him since that Wrath of Con night at his apartment. How could Barry _do_ this?! How could he just _kill_ himself without coming to them for help first?! Why hadn't he reached out to them?!

Cisco felt a horrible tightening sensation in his chest as he thought about it.

He _had_ reached out to them. For weeks, Barry's time remnant had been desperately reaching out to them, looking for someone, _just one person_ , to lean on for support. One person to truly accept him. To see him for who he was.

Cisco felt sick. He felt sick as he hung up on his phone call with Joe. He felt sick as he hugged Caitlin, holding back his tears. He felt sick when Barry and Joe made it to STAR Labs, unloading a body wrapped in a blood-stained shower curtain. He felt sick when they carried the body down to the basement, where their makeshift morgue was.

He felt sick when the curtain was pulled back and the pale, scarred face of his friend came into view.

The time remnant _had_ been his friend. He was still Barry. He had still been his friend.

He always had been, and he always would be.

* * *

**Time Remnant Barry**

Barry didn't know when he stopped feeling everything--when he stopped feeling the blood flowing from his veins or the weak fluttering of his heart in his chest. A moment ago, he had felt cold, despite the warm water of the tub. Now, he was suddenly bathed in warmth. Opening his eyes, Barry found himself to be surrounded by a warm light.

He didn't know what this was. He didn't know if this was just the hallucinations of a dying brain or if he was already dead.

Barry looked around him in fear, but all he could see was the white light surrounding him.

He looked down at his body, the only thing he could see. He was shocked to see he was wearing his suit. Not the new dark one he had made as a replacement--his old red one. He didn't know what to make of it. He didn't have much time to ponder it, though. Barry's head suddenly snapped up, his eyes drawn away from his confusing attire when he heard a gentle voice calling out to him.

"Barry."

Barry's heart jolted in his chest when he saw the woman standing in front of him.

"Mom," he whispered, a wide smile forming on his face as tears filled his eyes.

She smiled sadly at him before slowly shaking her head.

"No, Barry," she said softly.

Barry felt the smile slowly slide from his face, dread quickly enveloping his heart.

"You're not my mother," he whispered.

She sadly shook her head again.

"You're the speed force," Barry choked, understanding.

She nodded, a look of immense sorrow on her face.

"Why am I here?" Barry demanded, his hands clenching into fists, "Why am I in the speed force?! I should be..."

"You can't move on to what comes next," she said sadly.

"Why?!" Barry demanded.

His mother let out a heavy sigh and gently took his hand, rubbing small circles into it with her thumb.

"This is where time remnants go, Barry," she said sadly, "This is where you have to wait."

Barry felt as if he had been dunked in a basin of cold water.

"Wait?" he whispered, his voice barely audible, "Wait for _what_?"

"Wait to move on," she answered, giving him a sad smile.

"Why?!" Barry demanded, "Why do I have to wait?! Why can't I move on _now_?!"

"Because you don't have a soul," she said sadly, "Not a full one, anyways."

Barry shook his head at her, overwhelmed with confusion and dread.

"But I _do_ ," he insisted desperately, "I'm a _person_! I'm Barry Allen!"

She shook her head at him again.

"You _are_ Barry Allen," she agreed, "But not _all_ of him. You're not a complete soul. Part of you is still in the world of the living."

Barry's eyes widened in understanding then.

" _Him_?!" he snarled, "The _original Barry_?!"

His mother nodded sadly at him.

"You're both Barry Allen," she explained gently, "The two of you share a soul. You're connected--two sides of the same coin."

"No, we're not," Barry gritted, "We're two different people now. Two separate lives. I don't share anything with him except my memories and half of my face."

She shook her head at him.

"No, Barry," she whispered, "You're still the same person, just split two different ways. Creating time remnants...it splits the soul. When two of the same person exist within the same timeline, their soul is shared between them. No matter how long you two remain separated, you'll always be connected to each other."

"I don't want to be connected to _him_ ," Barry spat, "I don't want anything to _do_ with him!"

"Unfortunately, that isn't anything you'll ever be able to change," she told him, "You two are forever linked. That link can never be broken."

"So what does this mean for _me_?" Barry demanded, "If I can't move on, what am I supposed to do now?!"

His mother smiled sadly at him.

"Wait."

Barry shook his head at her.

"Wait for _what_?!" he snapped.

"For the other half of your soul to join you," she said sadly.

Barry stared at her.

"The other Barry?" he asked quietly.

She nodded.

"I'm supposed to just wait here?" Barry asked in a strained voice, "I'm supposed to wait here, in this...speed force limbo? Until _he dies_?!"

His mother nodded again.

"I can't do that!" Barry cried, "I can't stay here, waiting for the other Barry to die! I want to move on! I want to be reunited with my parents again! My _real_ parents!"

"You will," his fake mother assured him, "You _will_ see them again...when your other half dies and your souls merge back into one."

"I don't _want_ to merge with _him_!" Barry sobbed, "I don't want that! I want to be _me_!"

"He _is_ you," she said calmly, "And you are him. The two of you are the same."

"No, we're not!" Barry screamed, clutching the sides of his head in anguish, "We're not the same! I could never be like _him_! I hate him!"

"You hate _yourself_ ," she said calmly, "You have for a long time. It's time to finally let go of that hate now, Barry."

"I cant!" Barry sobbed, "My hate is all I have left!"

His mother slowly shook her head, a pitying expression on her face.

"My beautiful boy," she said softly, putting a hand to his cheek, brushing her fingers over his scars, "Such a wounded soul, yet so bright. Don't let your light flicker out now, Barry."

Barry closed his eyes, melting into the touch for a moment. And then his eyes snapped open.

"Stop!" he shouted, yanking her hand away from his face, "You're not my mother! Stop pretending to be! It's cruel! It's _sick_!"

"I'm not trying to trick you, Barry," she said sadly, "I'm trying to help you see."

"If you want to help me, you'll let me move on!" Barry sobbed, "Please! Just let me move on!"

The woman slowly shook her head, her eyes filled with sorrow for him.

"We can't let you do that, Barry," she said sadly, "I wish we could."

"Then let me go back!" Barry cried, "If I can't move on, then let me go back! Don't make me wait here! Don't make me merge with _him_! I can't bear it!"

"You can't go back," she said gently, "And even if you could, your fate with your other half is inevitable. No matter what you do, you two will become one when you both die."

"Then I never want to die!" Barry shouted, "Then I'll live forever! Anything to avoid becoming _him_!"

Nora Allen slowly shook her head at him.

"You're not immortal, Barry," she whispered, "You're not a god."

Barry turned away from her, his hands clenching into fists as he turned his back on her. He had heard people tell him he wasn't a god more times than he could count, but this time, his reaction to it was so different.

"Then I'll _become_ one."

* * *

 


	11. The Prison

* * *

**The Prison**

* * *

The funeral was brief, but it was far from simple. There were no words for the emotions plaguing Team Flash as they lowered the casket into the ground. Guilt was inevitably the strongest emotion rennervating through the group. They couldn't help but feel responsible. They couldn't help but wonder what they could have done differently. Could they have saved him?

Or had he been doomed from the start?

It was hard to see it as a true funeral, when the man who had supposedly died was also standing right next to them. Barry was _here_. He was still alive. A version of him had died in one of the most tragic ways possible, but _Barry_ , _their_ Barry, was still here.

The headstone didn't read Barry Allen. They all felt guilty about that. They weren't left much of a choice, though. They _couldn't_ bury him as Barry Allen when the real Barry Allen was still alive and walking around.

The headstone read Thomas Savitar.

It made their stomachs churn with guilt to look at it. All the time remnant had wanted, all he had _ever_ wanted, was for them to see him as Barry Allen.

And then they buried him as Thomas.

It felt like they were spitting in his face. One last time, they were denying him the respect of calling him by his true name.

He _was_ Barry Allen. They knew that now. They had _always_ known it, even if it had been hard to _see_ it most of the short time he had been with them. It had been easier for them not to think of him that way, to see him as something _less_ than the man they knew and loved, and it was the same now. It was _especially_ true now. It was easier for them to think of him as a time remnant who had been doomed from the start, rather than accept the truth that he had been Barry. He had been the same Barry they had always known. Their Barry...who had ended his own life because of them.

None of them could allow themselves to think about it like that, though. If they thought of him as Barry, it would make their grief so much harder to cope with. Numbing themselves was so much easier. It made moving on easier.

"Let's go home," Barry whispered after the dirt had been piled on the grave.

"Shouldn't we _say_ something?" Iris sniffled, looking down at the grave, "He deserves more than _this_."

"What more is there to say?" Barry asked harshly, "He's gone. All of this is over now. There isn't anything left to say. It's done."

"Barry..." Caitlin choked, tears streaming down her face.

"This was always how it was going to end," Barry gritted, his voice wavering slightly, "He was always going to die. I just wish it had happened right away. It could have spared everyone a lot of pain."

"Barry," Joe said firmly, "You don't mean--"

"I _do_ mean it!" Barry shouted, his hands clenching into fists at his sides, "I _do_ mean it, Joe! He should have died when we fought Zoom! That would have been so much easier! Instead, he lived, only for us drive him to the point of _suicide_! You can't argue with me that it wouldn't have been better for everyone, for _him_ , if he had died right away!"

"Barry," Iris sobbed, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Barry's breath was hitching repeatedly in his throat, his eyes welling up with tears. It tore at their hearts to see it. This was the first time Barry had cried since his time remnant's suicide. He was finally allowing his emotions to show.

"I'm never creating another time remnant again," Barry sobbed, his tears brimming over, "I'm not going to put another version of me through this again. That's the only good thing that's come from all of this. We've learned a lesson here, a _terrible_ one. Time remnants are _not_ meant to be created. They're not meant to be used. They're not disposable pawns used to do our bidding."

The others all nodded their agreement, tears streaming down their faces as they thought of the man they had killed. And they _had_ killed him. They had brought him into existence and then driven him to suicide. Barry was right. They could never do this again.

"This is my fault," Barry choked, looking down at the gravestone, "I take full responsibility for this whole ordeal I've put everyone through. I promise, I'm never going to do this again. I won't put us all through this again."

"We don't blame you for this, man," Cisco said quietly.

"But you should," Barry whispered, "I created him. I brought him into our lives. And then _I'm_ the one who drove him to this, to his death. I treated him...terribly, and I'd do anything to go back and change that."

"Don't do that, Bar," Joe said seriously, "Don't take on all the blame and regret. We're all guilty here, and if I know anything, it's that your time remnant was _far_ more effected by the way we, his _family_ , treated him than the way you did. He craved _our_ love far more than he did yours. We're the ones who failed to give that to him, not you."

Barry wiped his eyes and shook his head.

"It doesn't matter now," he whispered, "It doesn't matter whose fault it was. What's done is done. All we can do now is learn from it and move on."

"Barry," Iris said gently, putting a hand on his shoulder, "It's okay for us to process this. It's okay to _mourn_ his death."

"But I'm not," Barry choked, fresh tears welling in his eyes, "I'm _not_ mourning his death, Iris. I'm _relieved_. I'm relieved he's gone."

They all stared at him.

"Barry," Caitlin said quietly, shaking her head, "That's..."

"I know it's horrible," Barry cried, "You think I don't know how _horrible_ that sounds? Why do you think I've been numbing myself to all of this? Because deep down, I'm happy he's out of our lives. I can't help but think that we're free of this burden now, and thinking that doesn't make it any easier. Thinking that just makes me feel guiltier. It makes me not _want_ to think about any of this. I just want to move on and pretend like none of this ever happened."

They all nodded solemnly in understanding. They couldn't judge Barry for feeling this way because he had just voiced aloud what they had _all_ been feeling. A small part of them was relieved this was all over now, despite the gut-wrenching guilt and sickness they felt over the circumstances.

The time remnant was gone, and they were free. They were free to move on and forget.

And that's exactly what they tried to do.

* * *

**Time Remnant Barry**

Sometimes he thought of it as his penance, the speed force limbo he now found himself to be in. It was his penance for the mistakes he had made. Other times, he thought of it as his unjust prison. He now knew how his father had felt, being unjustly incarcerated after losing everything he loved. Barry didn't deserve this. Yes, creating himself had been a mistake, but he didn't deserve _this_. He didn't deserve to be here.

The other Barry did.

He had done this. They _both_ had, yet _he_ was the one paying for it. Yes, Barry had made a mistake by creating himself to defeat Zoom, but he had done it with good intentions. He didn't deserve to suffer here in his prison for it. If anything, the _original_ Barry did.

Barry had sacrificed everything. He had sacrificed so much more than just his life for everyone he loved. He had sacrificed his _after_ life. The original Barry didn't sacrifice _anything_. _He_ should be here right now, not Barry.

 _He_ should be the one who was alone. The original shouldn't get to just move on, enjoy the rest of his life while Barry waited here in his speed force limbo.

Barry tried to find a way out. He tried to find a way either to move on to what came next or to go back, but he couldn't. He'd give anything to go back, to _live_ again, since death wasn't all it was crack up to be. There was no way out, though. No escape. The speed force was just a blank expanse of white nothingness. No entrance. No exit. Just space.

Space and time. Nothing but time to kill.

The memories were the worst part of it. Barry didn't have any idea how long he had been here, but eventually his mind had started to play tricks on him. There wasn't anything _here_. No distractions. No interaction. No contact.

No _life_.

So his brain started to fill in the pieces. It started to create life for him. He started to hallucinate. He started to relive different parts of his life, his memories. Some memories were good. Others were painful.

He had lost track of the number of times he had relived his mother's death. His father's death. The mistakes he had made. All the low points in his life. The darkness.

He had thought the good memories would make up for it. He had so many more good memories than he did bad, after all.

But they _didn't_ help. They were almost just as painful as the bad memories. Revisiting happier times only made the sorrow in his heart grow.

Because _those_ memories were now tainted. Every loving moment with Joe and Iris. Every victory he shared with Team Flash. Every friendship, every source of _love_ in his life, was tainted by everything that had happened. The memories weren't a comfort. They were a _reminder_. Of everything he had lost.

It all felt like a lie. The love he had shared with the Wests and with Team Flash. It felt like a sham to him now. They never truly loved him. If they had, they would have accepted _any_ version of him. Time remnant or not, they would have loved him all the same.

They would have saved him.

Not from the cuts on his wrists. Barry knew they wouldn't have been able to save him, even if they had found him in time. He had made sure of it. He had cut his wrists the long way, and he had been starving himself for days to decrease his hyperhealing. They wouldn't have been able to do anything. As soon as he had brought that blade to his wrists, he was done.

No, they should have saved him well before that.

Barry knew he was only here because of _himself_. Killing himself had been _his_ decision, but it had been planted there by _them_. He had done it _because_ of them. He had done it _for_ them.

And now he regretted it. Now he was stuck in this empty void in the speed force. Because of what _they_ had driven him to do. He had nowhere to go, in life or in death. He knew one thing now, though.

He didn't want death.

If this was what was waiting for him after his death, then he never wanted to die. It was a bit late for that now, though. He was already dead.

One of Barry's biggest reasons for killing himself had been that he was afraid of the man he was becoming, of the hate that was infiltrating his heart. Well, now that hate was stronger than ever. It festered with every beautiful memory he relived. The memories taunted him. They were like a slap to the face. A reminder of the life he had lost.

He couldn't really bring himself to think of it as _his_ life anymore. If it had been his, that meant he had lost it, and that was too painful to accept. No, it was easier to think of it as someone else's life, as _original_ Barry's life. It wasn't his. They weren't _his_ memories. The memories belonged to the other Barry. It was less painful to think of it that way.

It was less painful to think of himself as Barry. He wasn't Barry Allen, and he never _was_. His loved ones-- _Barry Allen's_ loved ones--weren't his. They never _were_ his. If they were, then that meant they had abandoned him, _shunned_ him. For that reason, he couldn't think of them as his loved ones anymore. He didn't love them like he used to.

He _hated_ them. He hated _all_ of them.

Trapped in the nothingness of the speed force, with only memories of the people he now hated for company, Barry's mind continued to splinter and crack. He lost all sense of time. His prison _became_ time. It was _endless._ There was no break from it, no rest. He didn't sleep, as hard as he tried to. Despite his mental exhaustion, his body never tired. In fact, his energy seemed only to grow, as if it were soaking up the speed force energy around him. That, in itself, was maddening. He only grew more restless, more anxious, as he waited.

All he could do was wait.

The energy building in him fueled the memories, made them more vivid, more painful. They never stopped. They continued to torture him to the point where he didn't even know who he was anymore. He knew one thing, though.

He wasn't Barry Allen.

* * *

**Original Barry**

Moving on was impossible. Barry had known from the start that it wouldn't be easy, but he had thought time would make it easier. It _was_ becoming easier, just slower than he had hoped.

Being in the house was difficult. The basket full of clothes his time remnant had given back to him was now sitting in the back of his closet, where Barry had put them after finding them sitting on his bed. He hadn't touched them since.

No one ever went into the guest room now, even though there was now no trace left of the man who had been staying in it. The time remnant hadn't had any possessions, after all. He had tidied the room to remove any trace that he had ever been there. He had even washed the sheets on the freshly made bed. Even so, it was hard for any of them to set foot in the room.

The bathroom was worse.

None of them could stomach entering the upstairs bathroom, with its dreaded bathtub. The tub had been scrubbed clean, removing all evidence of what had happened in it, but the shower curtain was still gone, and the room still harbored the faint scent of the bleach they had used to clean up.

They had kept the photos in the room, though. The two photos of Barry and his loved ones that he had kept next to him while he died. Joe had insisted on keeping them on the bathroom counter, next to the sink. Barry didn't know how to feel about it. The room now felt like some kind of...memorial. It was strange to see the photos of himself and his two families sitting on the bathroom counter. It was weird seeing a memorial for himself in their house when he was still alive.

The hardest part was what all of it had done to his relationships. Oliver still refused to speak to him after his failure, and even now, six months later, Iris still struggled just to look at him. When she did, all she could see was his time remnant. She didn't know how to feel about him anymore, and their relationship had come to a standstill because of it.

"I'm not him," Barry would say.

Iris would just shake her head, tears filling her eyes.

"I know," she would whisper, "You're my Barry."

Even so, she never really looked at him the same way she used to. That saddened Barry more than anything.

Which was why he didn't regret his decision.

He didn't regret his decision to go back and fix things. He had wanted them all to move on like it had never even happened, but they couldn't. So Barry decided to _make_ it like it never even happened.

He went back in time.

No, he didn't go back to stop himself from creating a time remnant. He went back _so_ much further, deciding that if he was going to go back to fix things, he might as well fix _everything_. If he was going to time travel to save a life, he was going to save more than one. He was going to save them all.

It had been three months since he had gone back to save his mother, and they had been some of the best three months of his life. He got to start fresh with Iris. She didn't look at him with ghosts in her eyes. He got to spend time with his _parents_. He got to spend three months living the life he should have had.

And now they were over.

Wally was hurt, possibly on his _deathbed_ , and Barry was rapidly losing his memories. Painful as those memories were, he couldn't lose them. He had to fix this before he was so far gone he couldn't remember the original timeline anymore.

He had to go back.

He had to set things right. He had to let things happen as they were meant to. He had to _beg_ Thawne to kill his mother. After all the death he had seen--his mother, his father, Eddie, Ronnie, his time remnant--Barry had to watch his mother die _again_.

He couldn't allow himself to dwell on it anymore, though. He needed to move on. He needed to hoist up the anchor that was weighing him down and carry it with him. He couldn't let his past hold him back anymore.

As Barry reentered the house, seeing things returned to normal, he couldn't bring himself to feel sad. Everything was how it should be. Iris was there, and although the ghosts had returned to her eyes, she was still with him. She still loved him. Barry couldn't help but worry over what Thawne had said to him, though. Things were back to normal, but not for _him_. Not for Barry. Everything seemed how it was when he had left, though. Nothing had changed. Barry decided to put it from his mind. Everything seemed how it should be, and he was going to do his best to move on from here.

Little did he know, his actions had broken far more than just the timeline.

They had broken the speed force, had broken it wide open, leaving behind a gaping hole in the speed force itself.

And something had clawed its way out.

* * *

 


	12. The Light

* * *

**The Light**

* * *

This wasn’t right. This _couldn’t_ be right.

The speed force had told him he had to wait here. It had told him he had to wait until the original Barry died. This couldn’t be right, though. He had been here for so much longer than a single lifetime. He had been here for an _unfathomable_ amount of time. Barry couldn’t even begin to guess how long he had been in his prison. Hundreds of years? _Thousands_ of years?

Something wasn’t right.

Unless the original Barry was immortal, he should have died by now.

Unless time worked differently here. Or maybe something had gone wrong? Something had broken in the speed force?

Whatever the reason, Barry had been here long enough to lose his mind several times over. The memories that had been plaguing him during his time here were different now. They were splintered. They didn’t make any sense to him now.

At this point, they weren’t even memories anymore. They were demons. The faces of his loved ones were burned into his retinas, likes ghosts sent there to torment him. They stood there, watching him suffer in his isolation, with looks of disgust etched into their features. They stood there, bored and unaffected expressions on their faces as blood pooled out from his wrists, as he screamed and begged for them to help him.

To love him.

Zoom towered over him, a pleased, almost _proud_ glint in his eye, as he watched him struggle to cling to his sanity.

_You’re almost ready. This will make you just like me._

Zoom hadn’t made him like this, though. His _family_ had. They were the only ones who _could_. His enemies had always fought hard to bring out the darkness in him, to bend and twist his mind to their ways, but they had failed. They didn’t hold the power morph him into darkness.

But his family did.

Barry just wanted it to stop. His mind had shattered years ago, he all he longed for now was a way out, a way to escape this torture. There was no way out, though. There was no killing himself again. No escape. Nowhere to go.

Nowhere he belonged.

He was _innocent_ , though! He had done nothing wrong! Nothing to deserve this! Everything Barry had done, he had done for the greater good. He had created himself to save his family. He had _killed_ himself to make their lives easier. He had given up all he had for others, and they were _still_ _taking_ from him. He had nothing left to give, no more blood left to spill, yet they were still _draining_ him.

Until there was nothing left.

He didn’t know what he was now. He felt like nothing. He felt like he had shriveled up into nothing, and now…

Now, he was just waiting for a strong wind to come along and blow him away.

And then, one day, _countless_ years later, that wind finally came.

The faces of his family melted away from his vision, and a bright light broke through his world of darkness. The light of the speed force, of his prison. It was rare that he ever even saw the light anymore. He had become so trapped in his own mind, his awareness of the white nothingness surrounding him was limited. He was aware of it now, though. It was impossible not to be with the amount of light surrounding him. It was growing brighter, nearly _blinding_ him. Barry felt like he was going to be consumed by it.

His heart leapt in anticipation. Maybe his time had finally come. Maybe the other side of the coin had died, and their souls were now finally merging. Despite how desperate he was for his wait to be over, Barry had been dreading this. He had been dreading reconnecting with the man he hated, the man who shared his face and his memories but not his heart.

“No!” Barry cried, “I don’t want this! I don’t _want_ it! I’d rather wait here forever!”

And he meant it. He’d rather his torture continue for all of eternity than become one with the man he despised, the man who had created this prison for him. He’d rather shrivel up in his insanity here than be Barry Allen again.

“I’m not him!” Barry sobbed, “I’m not Barry Allen! Please!”

The light didn’t consume him, though. In fact, it was shifting, fading around the edges as the light centered in on one point in front of him. His prison was growing dark, blackness creeping in from all sides of him but one. Barry stared at the light, watching it form into a small bright sphere in front of him. It grew smaller and smaller until it was just one bright ball of light, floating before him.

Barry stared at it.

He just stood there, surrounded by pitch-black darkness as he stared at the light.

Barry looked around him, but there wasn’t anything to see. His prison was now black instead of white. He was standing in a dark void of space, just as empty as it was before. The darkness made the space feel even more vast and empty, though. He could feel it crushing in on him, like the void of death.

What had happened? What had caused this change? Something wasn’t right here. Something wasn’t right with the speed force. Something in the speed force had broken. He could _feel_ it. He didn’t know what it meant, though. Barry turned his gaze back to the ball of light in front of him, the only thing there was here to look at.

What _was_ it?

He could feel the raw energy radiating off of it. Speed force energy, stronger than he had ever felt it before. It scared him, being near that much energy in one place. For several long minutes—or possibly full _days_ , he didn’t know—Barry stared at the light, unsure what to do. He felt like he could reach out and touch it. Logic told him that was a bad idea, but his _body_ was telling him otherwise. He was tempted to reach out to it, to grab it, to _seize_ its power.

After standing frozen in place for an insurmountable amount of time, Barry finally moved. He lifted his arm, reaching towards the light. He hesitated, his fingers hovering inches away from the mysterious sphere of power in front of him.

What would happen if he touched it? _Could_ he touch it? What would it do to him if he did? Would its power overwhelm him? Kill him? It couldn’t kill him because he was already dead. He had nothing left to lose at this point. What other choice did he have? If he did nothing, he would still be here, in his dark, empty prison.

He was afraid, though. Something about the sphere of light instilled fear in his heart. Something about it scared him deep in his core. Somehow, he knew, that if he touched it, he could never _un_ touch it.

There would be no going back.

Wasn’t this what he wanted, though? Power? It was all he had left now. His hate and his power. This could be his way out. He didn’t want to stay here. He didn’t want death. He wanted _immortality_. This power…maybe it could give that to him. It was more than just speed force energy. Barry could feel that. The light was _life itself_. It could give him so much more than just power. It could give him life. It could give him immortality.

It could make him a god.

Barry didn’t know why he was still staring at it. His decision was already made for him. It was made for him from the start.

He reached out and seized the light.

* * *

*Original Barry*

“Barry, this is a lot to take in,” Joe choked, looking down at the floor.

“I know,” Barry whispered, “I know it’s hard to understand.”

He had just finished telling the others about what he had done, about Flashpoint. He had intended to never tell them about it, to never burden them with the information, but he had been given no choice. Over the last month, they had all began to notice there was something off about him, something he wasn’t telling them. Iris had been begging for him to let her in, to _talk_ to her about whatever had been bothering him. It seemed only fair he tell them all the truth.

“Barry,” Cisco sighed, shaking his head sadly, “You should _know_ by now that messing with time is dangerous.”

“I know,” Barry whispered, “I know I shouldn’t have done it. I was in a bad place, though. My father had just died, and then all that stuff with my time remnant…”

They all looked down uncomfortably at the floor, the usual reaction any time the time remnant was mentioned. They rarely ever talked about him anymore. It had been eight months since his suicide, and the others had all done their best to put it past them. They had tried to forget.

“I know that was a very emotional time for all of us,” Caitlin said softly, “But I didn’t think you would do something so… _extreme_.”

“It was a knee-jerk reaction,” Barry sighed, “It was dumb of me. I tried to fix my mistake by making _another_ mistake. I’m so sorry, guys.”

“Were there any consequences?” Joe asked seriously, “Did it do anything to the timeline?”

Barry vehemently shook his head.

“No,” he assured them, “Everything is still the same as it was before. Nothing has changed.”

“Well, that’s good,” Iris sighed in relief.

Barry gave her an uneasy smile, a swirl of guilt pooling in his gut as he thought about Thawne’s warning. He hadn’t noticed anything different in this timeline, though. It had been a month since he had reset things from Flashpoint, and he had yet to notice any changes.

As everyone all filtered out of the room, Barry was left standing alone with Caitlin in the cortex.

“I know I messed up,” he said quietly, “I just hope everyone can forgive me.”

Caitlin gave him a sad smile.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Barry,” she said softly, “You were grieving and dealing with a _lot_ at the time. We all understand that.”

Barry gave her a small smile.

“Thank you,” he said, letting out a heavy sigh, “I’m just glad _this_ mistake didn’t have any consequences this time. I got lucky. Everything still seems to be the same as it was before.”

Caitlin gave him a small smile, but as soon as Barry left the cortex, it quickly slid from her face.

She looked down at her hands in anguish, staring at the frost that was lightly radiating from them.

* * *

*Time Remnant Barry*

Barry felt like he was floating. He felt completely disconnected from his body. He didn’t even feel like he _had_ a body anymore. He had become pure energy, as if he had become one with the speed force. As if he had _become_ the speed force.

It felt…good.

It felt _exhilarating_. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, Barry felt _alive_. No. He felt _more_ than alive. He was more than just flesh and blood now. He was _power_.

He was a _god_.

After grabbing the sphere of energy, Barry lost all sense of time and space. He didn’t know how much time had passed since he had seized the light. Time was irrelevant, though, he realized. He was moving through time itself. He wasn’t _running_ , though. He was simply floating, traveling throughout time and space without seeing or feeling anything. All he felt was the power radiating through him.

And then it stopped.

Just like that, everything came to a standstill. Barry suddenly _felt_ something. He felt his own body again. He felt the ground underneath him, the air on his skin. Just the feeling of it nearly brought him to tears as he opened his eyes.

Barry blinked continuously as he took in his surroundings. It was dark, and he could feel a light breeze playing at his skin. He was outside. At night, apparently. He could feel the ground underneath him. He moved one of his hands, getting a feel for the surface he was laying on. It was soft, yet firm, and a gritty material slid through his fingers when he moved them.

Sand.

Barry nearly let out a sob. He was _touching_ something. He was breathing in the warm night air, sand sliding between his fingers as he lifted his hand. Barry’s attention, however, was suddenly drawn to his other hand then. His fingers were closed around something. Something small and hard. Barry opened his fingers to look at it.

It was the light. The light he had grabbed. He still had it. It wasn’t as bright as before, though. It had solidified into something. It felt like some kind of stone. Barry stared at it, his eyes blinking against the sheer brightness of it compared to the darkness of the night surrounding him.

He was so caught up in staring at the stone, he hadn’t heard the footsteps approaching him.

Barry jumped violently when he heard a man’s voice suddenly speak out to him. He didn’t understand the words, though. They sounded foreign to him. Barry looked up from his place on the ground to see a man towering over him. The man was staring down at him in the moonlight. Barry’s heart leapt when he saw the point of some sort of spear being pointed at him.

He scrambled to sit up in the sand he had been laying in. As soon as he was sitting, Barry noticed the other people there. There was an entire group of men standing behind the one who had spoken to him, and like him, they all were equipped with their own set of spears and weapons, all of them pointed towards Barry.

Barry stared at them in shock and confusion. Where the hell was he?! Barry’s eyes raked over the men in front of him. They were all looking at him as if he were some sort of alien. Barry gave them a similar expression as he took in their clothes. Many of them weren’t even wearing shirts, the only thing covering their dark skin being white cotton skirts of some kind. Some wore strange headdresses, and they had strange markings painted onto their skin. Ancient symbols of some kind.

Which led Barry to his next question:

 _When_ was he?

* * *

**I always hate explaining myself because I feel like a good story shouldn’t need explaining, but I know this story can be somewhat confusing, so I’m writing this for those who need an explanation:**

**First and foremost, this story is _not_ linear with the canon storyline. It’s similar in many ways, but the Savitar in this story is not the same as the Savitar in the show. In the show, Savitar was from the future. In this story, however, he is the time remnant that should have been sacrificed in the season two finale. Also, Flashpoint obviously didn’t have the same consequences in this story as it did in the show. Cisco’s brother isn’t dead, Iris and Joe aren’t fighting, and Julian didn’t appear out of nowhere—although he might be appearing later in this story. The only consequence Flashpoint had in this story was giving Caitlin her powers and freeing the time remnant from the speed force limbo. **

**As for the end of this chapter, I tried to make it obvious, but Barry came out of the speed force and ended up in the past—ancient Egypt to be exact. The show never fully explained how the ancient legends of Savitar as the first speedster came to be or how the stone was created, so I decided to write my own explanation. Needless to say, Barry won’t be staying in the past. It was just a necessary part to the story.**

**Like I said, I hate explaining things. I like to have my work stand on its own. Time travel can be confusing though, and I’d rather explain myself than confuse people with this story.**

* * *

 


End file.
